Last night I killed a man.

[fearz0r 128]

I killed a man. I killed him, and now he’s gone. I cannot truly express just how low I feel.

Here is my story.

Sunday evening; approximately 10:30pm (GMT) I log on to DayZ (DE 344) with my survivor buddy Sean. We’re in a small woodland area overlooking the town of Stary Sobor. After finding the small military outpost here in our last session we decided to check it out in our next session. This being that session we approach the camp.

It’s the dead of night, and pouring with rain. We’re discussing how poor the visibility is and limited ambient sound as we approach two cars. After having a quick looksee around them I confirm they’re non-working and we move toward the first tent.

Inside, we pop a heat pack, drink from our canteen and eat some frank n beans. We sit there for a moment. The rain is beating down on the tent outside. We start to plan our night time mission; finding matches.

With our game plan down and our objective not too far away (the Stary Sobor market) we head out into the rain to search the tents for any equipment and/or weapons. Going down one side each we work our way through the tents, finding food, binoculars, ammo and some rifles. Half way through the remaining tents I notice the rain is easing off. Sean confirms he’s seeing the same thing. Seconds later it completely stops and the clouds start to break up, and a starry night’s sky starts to break through.

I continue on with my remaining tents. Reaching the end, and having collected all the items I felt we needed, I crouch walk behind the tents and start heading back to towards the cars we passed on our way into the area. Sitting there I talk to Sean, giving him updates on the Infected I could see and urging him to make haste.

All of a sudden I hear a running sound on pavement/concrete not far from us.

I alert Sean, “SHHHH!! …Did you hear that?! Are you running?!”

His reply sends chills down my back, “no, I’m in my inventory”

“F**K! I think I just heard someone running” I say. Sean shuffles over to my location.

I’m now crouched like a Meerkat, by a rock 25 feet from the cars, scanning the area, eye’s wide like saucers. Sean asks “See anything?”, staring intently I don’t reply.

He then startles me, “SHIT, I see him!”, I spin around, looking in Sean’s direction.. “What?! WHERE?!” I ask, he replies “oh wait, are you turning on the spot? <yes> ..Never mind” – “you idiot! I nearly shat myself” I reply, chuckling nervously.

With my heart racing, I turn back to face the direction I thought the running came from. Sean has now crawled his way towards me and is prone five feet behind me. I’m still crouched, looking around. My heart rate steadily decreasing now, eyes relaxing, and I slowly sit back in my chair.

“Sean, I think I must have heard myself or some glitched sound effect.. sorry, panic over”

He replies “Ah ok, that’s coo..“ – I interrupt, “F**K, I see him! SHIT, F**CK, HE’S COMING THIS WAY, GET DOWN!”

We both hit prone. I edge back behind the rock. I can barely see him, but it’s definitely a player, he’s moving too quickly to be an Infected. He approaches the cars twenty feet in front of us. I question Sean “what do we do mate?! He’s just in front of me, by the cars.. SHIT! I think he’s armed.” Sean replies, “Umm… I don’t know... I don’t know!”

*at this point I should make it clear that both Sean and I have done our utmost to avoid any player activity or confrontation, mainly because of the general ‘shoot on sight’ mentality that most players have nowadays. This is something I now fully appreciate, as I’ve been shot at a couple of times while not posing any kind of threat (usually running away from built up areas or along the coast after spawning). Sean and I are pacifists, playing only to survive, to last as long as we can, and minimising any threat towards us as much as possible when possible, but still having the mind-set of ‘kill or be killed’. This might sound boring but it’s actually very rewarding and would be how I’d behave if/when a global infection wipes out most of humanity... :)

Briefly I lose sight of him. “Sean, seriously... shall we leg it? Stay put? Shoot him or what?!” I whisper over chat (not in game), he replies “your call dude, you can see him, I can’t... do what you feel is right”, “wow, gee thanks mate” I think to myself.

Suddenly the first tent lights up! “Shit, he has a torch Sean!”… We both stare, not speaking or moving as the player moves around in the tent. Sean whispers “can he see us?” I reply, “Not through the tent walls”.

I hear him running from tent to tent. He’s getting closer and closer. His torch lighting up the area each time he turns. My heart is racing so fast, it’s like I’ve just sat down after doing a 100 meter sprint. With my heart racing, adrenaline surging through my veins and my eyes drying out from not being able to blink, I panic… I realise I still have my hatchet out. “F**K!” I exclaim, “I need to get my gun out!!”

Sean sits there silently as I get up into a crouched position to get my AK out. Having never fired this gun in ARMA or DayZ I had no idea what it would sound like, its recoil or accuracy. Being a cautious player and never engaging in combat with any players, I had accrued 7 mags for it. Once loaded, I go prone.

My nerves are tingling. I’m staring hard at the gap between the tents. All of a sudden the tent directly in front of me fills with light, bright blinding light, as though I was staring into the sun. He’s only eight feet away from me now. I am sweating bullets. I don’t know if he’ll simply run over to the next tent or look down the sides between them at me. A thousand things are rushing through my mind. Get up and run. Spray and pray. Crawl away. Log off. Stay put… Suddenly I snap out of it as the player cracks open a soda in the tent in front of me. I say to Sean “I think he’s drinking…”

The torch shines, and then the direction changes. “He’s leaving the tent” I whisper to Sean. I lay there, staring so hard at the gap between the tents it starts to burn into my vision. I look down my sights. FLASH! My heart stops dead. He’s shining his torched directly at me. I stare on like a rabbit in head lights, unable to move, sheer terror sets in, I can’t see him with his torch blinding me. I don’t know what to do. I want to jump up and run, but can’t move.

Then, the player turns around to face the tent behind. I feel like I’ve woken up, my heart’s beating again, my eyes blink. He walks into the tent. There’s a gun in that tent. I make the decision. I take a breath.

I fire

‘BANG… BANG, BANG, BANG…’

Silence

No light

No running

Nothing

I feel like I’ve suddenly gone deaf and blind. I can only hear my heart racing, nothing else.

Then Sean whispers “did you get him?”

I feel sick. I just killed someone. I killed him and now he’s gone. A fellow survivor, his character, his journey, ended in a flash. He didn’t know I was there. He had no idea what his presence was doing to me, the mental stress and anxiety it was putting me through. He was innocent, and yet I shot and killed him. This environment, this game or anti-game, this thing made me do something I never thought I could do.

*Some of you may feel like I’m over reacting, I may well be. But I don’t play DayZ like a game. I don’t see what happens in this game as gameplay. For me, it’s an experiment, a social study to see how people react to each other under stress. If I don’t need to kill others I won’t, especially when there’s permadeath involved.

I slowly walk over to his body. Sean asks again, “did you get him?” I reply quietly “yes”

Remorse has hit me hard. I look in his bag. A chill hits me, travelling down my spine. He’s been playing for a while, I can tell. He’s an explorer judging by his gear. I feel like I’m wearing a lead jacket. I close his bag and whisper “sorry”, turn and walk back over to Sean leaving his gear on him.

We check the area for anyone else and then head into the woods behind the camp and over the back of the hill towards our objective, the shop. Surprisingly, we find the matches. Mission complete, but not in the way I wanted. Feeling overwhelming guilt, I head back up to the top of the hill, pitch a tent and log off for the night.

If you’re reading this, SAWYER, I’m sorry I shot you in the military camp of Stary Sobor last night. I hope you made it back to get your gear.

I was thinking of the situation today, and a cold thought hit me; by having his torch out he was technically unarmed. And as such I could have approached him and warned him off without killing him. However, I later realised that he could have had a weapon with a tactical light attachment. Because I only glanced in his bag I can never know for sure. I still feel guilty now.

Edited July 17, 2012 by Burro

[Pathfinder (DayZ) 47]

Cool story. Well written.

[fearz0r 128]

Cool story. Well written.

Thanks buddy.. it was an experience I felt I had to express here.

[Hugues (DayZ) 38]

A truly touching story. I love it how you take this game so seriously, we need more players like you.

[Leigh (DayZ) 4]

Good read! and well written. Keep on survivin'!

[fearz0r 128]

A truly touching story. I love it how you take this game so seriously, we need more players like you.

Thanks Hugues. I find it hard not to get immersed in this mod. Its so vast, you can get lost in all the things there are to do in-game. It's so beautiful and yet its so deadly. Death can take you at any moment, and because of this, I try to play how I would likely live through it. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to kill. I just try to survive. But sometimes, like my story shows, you can't avoid certain situations.

It's also how it plays on your emotions. I've never felt as attached to a life as I do in this mod. I get sucked in each and every time I log on. I've travelled a couple of hundred kilometres in game, on foot, and have only ever found myself in two player confrontations, and yet I am completely fulfilled in what I get from this mod.

[oled123@hotmail.co.uk 66]

Put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he's dead

[marlow 16]

My wife and I both play and try not to kill anyone unless shot at first. It would be great if more people played to survive and not just kill. Very good story

Edited July 16, 2012 by Will68

[dtkreten 1]

Watch your back Burro, i'm coming for you :P

[aHzdaNny 49]

A story well told. Good job for entertaining us!

[fearz0r 128]

Watch your back Burro, i'm coming for you :P

I see, well good luck.. I'm a survivor, and there's almost 100km² of woodlands.. ;)

Edited July 16, 2012 by Burro

[Filmmaster 35]

How can you not be immersed in this mod? That is the question

[serpent10i 1]

Its great to see other player who take murder seriously.

[fearz0r 128]

Its great to see other player who take murder seriously.

Its a game changing mechanic, killing somebody in this mod means whatever they were doing, whatever they've gathered up over however long they've survived for, is simply gone.

Currently there are ways of getting around that, but as the build progresses and Rocket and Co make it more solid and unforgiving, I really believe that killing will have a real impact on all players.

I'm hoping that I can escape similar situations in future to prevent this outcome.

[Blindingsun 233]

I had a wank. went to bed and ignored the missus. I win

[sturmfalkerda 5]

I would group up with you Burro, its hard finding players who care about other people, I was in a standoff last night and I didnt shoot, I defused the situation basicly..

[D4saken1 80]

Epic Novel.

[azrael72 28]

Empathy. It can be a harsh mistress in this game. It get's me killed regularly, but I'm okay with that. It's good to see that there are still players that haven't fully detached themselves emotionally.

[fearz0r 128]

I would group up with you Burro, its hard finding players who care about other people, I was in a standoff last night and I didnt shoot, I defused the situation basicly..

I'd certainly consider it. Although I've heard of stories where people meet up, roll with each other for a day or two until the group is well geared, and then the stranger has gunned everyone down for the loot, so you'll understand my apprehension in regards to the request :)

[Kingllama 18]

I had a awesome time reading that it made me want to play.

[mindtrucks 28]

Great to see there are players like you. Wish I, along with most other players, could be more like you.. This game would be a lot more fun that way.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Mindtraveling

[fearz0r 128]

I had a awesome time reading that it made me want to play.

Great to see there are players like you. Wish I, along with most other players, could be more like you.. This game would be a lot more fun that way.

Wow, thanks guys. I really appreciate the comments.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Burro

[moeller.37@wright.edu 6]

And now you have the taste of blood.

[fearz0r 128]

And now you have the taste of blood.

Not quite, I've actually reinforced my humanity. :thumbsup:

[Jimmifett 1]

Very nice story, i've taken to immersion in the opposite fashion.

I need to survive: that other person who is not on my teamspeak is breathing my air, drinking my water, eating my beans and carrying my gear.

How dare they keep me seperated from my beans!

I've shot squirrels for looking at my beans!

... This person is looking mighty squirrelly...