Please give me feedback on my DayZ in real life script!

[DannyFilming 250]

Hello! It's been a while.

I've had the idea to create a realistic DayZ in real life short film for a while and I've been developing a script during the past few weeks.

I wanted it to be a realistic take on the world of DayZ and I won't be making it any time soon, not until I can get the gear necessary to make it properly, including storyboards in order to get the cinematography right. I need several camera lenses and props and misc camera equipment and rigs such as dollies. But the first draft of the script is finished.

I'd like you to keep in mind while reading it that it's supposed to be very slow and atmospheric. I reccomend reading it slowly and listening to this song while reading in order to get a feel for what I'm going for. The plan is to have the opening shot scored with this song starting at 0:41:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_GHIRxzYrs&feature=related

As for the ending song, I'm still looking for the perfect one.

Enjoy the read and please provide feedback on things you like, don't like, things you'd add, things you'd remove, ect.

FRIENDLY

by

Daniel J. Tømta

EXT. BEACH - DAY

The calm waves of the quiet ocean wash over the sand.

A SURVIVOR lies unconscious in the sand. His name is John. His

entire body is soaking wet and he lies face up.

He opens his eyes and breathes heavily as he gasps for air. He

looks up at the clouds in the calm blue sky. As he finds the

strength to look around he tries to sit up.

His arms blindly look for something to grab onto but he finds

only sand. He looks around and notices a small backpack lying

next to him. He grabs onto it and manages to sit himself up.

At length he gets to his feet. As he shivers from the cold he

looks out towards the ocean. Then inland. Everything is quiet.

He searches his pockets and finds nothing.

In the backpack he finds a flashlight, a bandage, a pair of

sunglasses and a cap.

He puts it away.

FURTHER DOWN THE BEACH

The Survivor walks disoriented along the sandy beach wearing

his backpack.

There is no sign of life in any direction.

He notices something further down the beach. A shape, lying on

the sand by the water. He hurries towards it.

As he approaches he sees it's a person lying face down in the

sand. John kneels before the body. He hesitates and just stares

at it for a second. He then grabs the body's arm and turns it

around.

His eyes turn wide as he jumps back and crawls backwards away

from the body in horror and disbelief.

The body's face has a wooden stake through its eye and is missing

half its cheek.

Worms crawl around the dark red shape that was once his face.

There are several bullet holes in his body and an axe in his right

hand along with a pair of bloodied binoculars around his neck.

John gets to his feet and stumbles towards the ocean. As he kneels

by the water he throws up. His whole body shivers.

He turns towards the dead body and takes a few disoriented steps

past it. He then notices something far away on a field further down

by the beach.

A human FIGURE is running towards him. It's too far away for him

to make out anything distinct features on the man but he carefully

raises his arm and waves at him as he curiously squints his eyes.

As the figure comes closer and seemingly faster towards him he

slowly lowers his hand. His facial expressions grow uneasy.

The figure is a man with a missing ear. There is blood covering

half his face and dripping down his neck. His growls are furious

and sounds like a mix between a rabid dog and a cougar.

John's eyes widen and he runs away down the beach. But only after

taking a few steps he stumbles and falls over the dead body behind

him.

The running man closes in. His speed increased and growls intensified.

John notices the running man is too close for him to escape. He

looks at the dead body in the sand, quickly picks up the axe and

gets to his feet.

The running man is only a few meters away.

John is frozen in horror but as the running man reaches him he raises

his axe with determination and lunges it into his shoulder.

The blow knocks the running man down to the ground and he growls more

furiously.

The axe is still buried in his shoulder.

John stands still, staring at the running man in horror and disbelief

as he slowly struggles to get back up.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

John runs through the forest. He now wears a cap and he carries with

him an axe in his hands and a pair of binoculars around his neck.

He stops and looks ahead. As he looks around he hears a branch break.

HITCHCOCK ZOOM: The sounds of wind through the branches of the trees,

the chirping of birds and gusting leaves make the forest appear more

dense and claustrophobic than it really is.

EXT. EDGE OF FOREST - DAY

BINOCULARS POV: An unarmed SURVIVOR crouch walks towards a deer stand

in the middle of the field and begins to climb the ladder.

John lies on the edge of the woods, partly covered by a bush.

POV: An unknown figure carefully approaches John from inside the forest.

BINOCULARS POV: The survivor rummages through what he finds in the deer

stand. John notices he's found a rifle.

John turns his attention to the opposite side of the field where 3

ZOMBIES are running full speed towards the deer stand. The survivor

hasn't noticed them and is on his way down the ladder.

POV: The figure gets closer to John.

BINOCULARS POV: When the survivor takes his first step off the ladder

he is immediately overwhelmed by the zombies and ripped to shreds.

John lowers his binoculars in shock.

POV: The figure is only a few meters away, approaching from John's

right.

John points the binoculars at the deerstand again and sees the zombies

eating the survivor's dead corpse.

SPIELBERG REVEAL PAN: John turns his head and sees a rabbit staring

right at him less than half a meter away. He opens his mouth and breathes

heavily in shock. He puts his hand over his mouth to stop him from making

any noise.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

John walks along a deserted road with his rifle in his hands. A skinned

rabbit hangs on the back of his backpack. There's no signs of life other

than the wreck of a car partially on fire by the side of the road.

EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY

John walks across the field, scanning the empty horizon. In the middle

of the field he notices a cow.

EXT. WOODS - DUSK

John sits by a fire eating a steak.

EXT. EDGE OF SMALL TOWN SETTLEMENT - DAY

CLOSE UP: A pair of binoculars.

BINOCULARS POV: A gas station/Convenience store. No signs of life

apart from a few roaming ZOMBIES.

John lowers his binoculars.

EXT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

John crouch walks towards the store. He hides behind a corner and

peeks out at a zombie walking away. He waits until it's out of

range and enters the store.

INT. GAS STATION/CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

John enters quietly. He looks around and grabs some bottles of

water and miscellaneous supplies to put in his backpack.

The noise of a door opening in the back is heard. John immediately

crouches down and hides behind an aisle.

A SURVIVOR, carrying a rifle on his back enters the store from the

back, zipping his fly. He walks to the counter and crouches down

while rummaging through his backpack.

John peeks out from behind the aisle at the survivor who's crouching

down with his back turned against him.

John carefully points his rifle at him and moves his finger to the

trigger. He hesitates.

The survivor takes out a soda can and drinks it.

TRACKING SHOT: John quietly gets out from behind the aisle and walks

towards him, continually pointing his rifle at the back of the

survivors head.

REVERSE TRACKING SHOT MOVING FROM A MEDIUM CLOSE UP INTO A CLOSE UP:

John closes in on the survivor and stops, noticeably nervous.

JOHN

Friendly...

As we cut to black a quiet country song is heard over the credits.

[Rastamaus 323]

• The body's face has a wooden stake through its eye and is missing
  half its cheek.
  

best line - beans for cool story bro

[xenomta 128]

A chill went down my spine while I read it with the music, Brilliant.

[Hetstaine 10852]

Look forward to reading it tonight as i have no sound on my work pc :)

[Inception. 9443]

I'll read/watch it when I return home from school today.

I'm sure it'll be good.

[DannyFilming 250]

Thank you to you who actually read it :)

I would have liked more opinions though, I'm dissapointed at the low interest in this thread :(

[Inception. 9443]

T'was great. Only thing I would change is the repetitive use of "he" at the beginning of the text. Perhaps substitute a different word into there.

[Hetstaine 10852]

Thank you to you who actually read it :)

I would have liked more opinions though, I'm dissapointed at the low interest in this thread :(

The forum has been slowing for a time now dude :) Plus there is not anything in this thread for people to argue over ;)

[leettari (DayZ) 133]

That was an awesome read, have my beans!

[DannyFilming 250]

The forum has been slowing for a time now dude :) Plus there is not anything in this thread for people to argue over ;)

Get ready for it to blow up come december! Standalone is right around the corner :)

[Bongofish 22]

My one suggestion, don't use a dolly zoom (hitchcock zoom). That effect is so artificial and disconcerting that it totally ruins immersion and reminds you you are watching a crafted piece of film. Go totally old school on this and keep the film nerd wankery to a minimum. I'd rather see well constructed static shots than constant camera movement. I'm thinking lots of far shots, making John seem small in the crazy world he inhabits. Maybe come in close for the action, perhaps even go hand held to get that Paul Greengrass action effect, but keep the non action static and lonely.

Just a suggestion but please do whatever your artistic vision demands.

Good luck.

[gray-z@hotmail.co.uk 84]

Good work, enjoyed reading that. Where's part 2 ;)

:beans: for your talent

[MrVoase (DayZ) 14]

For someone from Norway, your command of the English language is very good, I'm sure if I had to write a script exert in norwegian I would struggle haha, a very nice script and good story line , I await the rest.

[OrLoK 16186]

Hello there

Not read the script yet as its 5am, but will do.

My tuppence is to avoid cliche's as Bongo pointed out.

Cinematographic "tricks" like the Slo'mo shot are soooooooo over used it's painful.

Whereas George Lucas ressurrected some old simple wipe techniques which hadn't been in vogue since the 20's and 30's.

People pick up very quickly on stuff they've seen before and that can include plot/sound/gfx etc it's inbuilt in us to "see" patterns, so avoid em.

Then again breaking all the rules can also make a film.

Follow your instincts, Luke!

Rgds

LoK

[DemonGroover 8836]

Nice one.

My only suggestion - keep going.

[DannyFilming 250]

My one suggestion, don't use a dolly zoom (hitchcock zoom). That effect is so artificial and disconcerting that it totally ruins immersion and reminds you you are watching a crafted piece of film. Go totally old school on this and keep the film nerd wankery to a minimum. I'd rather see well constructed static shots than constant camera movement. I'm thinking lots of far shots, making John seem small in the crazy world he inhabits. Maybe come in close for the action, perhaps even go hand held to get that Paul Greengrass action effect, but keep the non action static and lonely.

Just a suggestion but please do whatever your artistic vision demands.

Good luck.

Hm... you make a good point! I will nerd wank a little bit but you've given me something to think about.

[fluxley 2228]

Look forward to seeing the finished product,

One suggestion though, i understand that being a short you dont want to drag out the scenes more than necessary, but the first encounter with the zombie on the beach feels a little unrealistic,

John should be way more hesitant to attack with the axe, as a first encounter this is not a zombie to him just some crazy guy, the average person would try harder to escape rather than resort to killing another human.

Good luck with the filming. :beans:

[DannyFilming 250]

Hello there

Not read the script yet as its 5am, but will do.

My tuppence is to avoid cliche's as Bongo pointed out.

Cinematographic "tricks" like the Slo'mo shot are soooooooo over used it's painful.

Couldn't agree more man. But for this film I want to use cinematography to a purpose. the hitchcock zoom would be used in a similar way it was used when frodo first met the black rider in lotr, to convey distress and claustrophobia. and the reveal pan to convey surprise in an intense moment. It's really quite annoying that people who just use effects to use them get so much recognition.

[GodOfGrain 191]

good read.

The scene where he watched this survivor on the dearstand...

Overall good, but I didn't like that something was approaching him from behind. just too much

Just concentrate on your character watching the survivor / the horror

and maybe expand on that.

(Idea: Survivor on the dearstand, gets surrounded, tries to defend from top...

shooting franatically... seems to be doomed...

shots from afar lets zombies heads explode...

survivor escapes, running into the woods - leaving his weapon behind

Your character keeps sitting there... watching ... nervous, in fear of this misterious sniper

its getting dark :D multiple cuts

He finally goes out to get the weapon. Its covered in blood, he takes it.

One zombies is still half-alive, he stabs it.

End of scene

Something like that :D

Edited December 6, 2012 by GodOfGrain

[Kerbo 198]

A good read, I enjoyed it.

Questions/observations:

How does he dress the rabbit and cow with no knife?

Killing a cow with an axe would be challenging, not to mention very, very messy.

How did he start the fire with no matches/flint?

[DannyFilming 250]

A good read, I enjoyed it.

Questions/observations:

How does he dress the rabbit and cow with no knife?

Killing a cow with an axe would be challenging, not to mention very, very messy.

How did he start the fire with no matches/flint?

He had a rifle to kill the cow.

As for the fire and the rabbit? I remember a time when movies made you use your imagination.. and I'm bringing it back!

(btw, if anyone wanna watch the film whenever I get to make it or learn about filmmaking you can subscribe me here: http://www.youtube.com/user/DannyRodriguezFilms/videos?view=0 )

Edited December 7, 2012 by DannyFilming

[Bongofish 22]

Couldn't agree more man. But for this film I want to use cinematography to a purpose. the hitchcock zoom would be used in a similar way it was used when frodo first met the black rider in lotr, to convey distress and claustrophobia. and the reveal pan to convey surprise in an intense moment. It's really quite annoying that people who just use effects to use them get so much recognition.

Strangely, I was rewatching LotR recently and noticed this exact scene and thought it perfectly illustrated why not to do it. It's just such a heavy handed effect. I think that shot would have been more effective as a simple long shot that conveyed the impending evil by having everything come to an abrupt stop, the leaves stop moving and the trees become still. That is more scary than a disorienting zoom.

This is, of course, my opinion.

A lot of directors forget that it is editing that gives meaning, not camera tricks. Lev Kuleshov demonstrated this pretty effectively in the 1920's.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuleshov_Effect#section_1

So whether or not you use shots that some may consider wankery, it's the editing of what images come before and after the shots that give them context and meaning. Keep that in mind and you can get away with some camera trick wankery, just look at Scorsese.

[DannyFilming 250]

Yeah I remember that, Hitchcock talked about it and it's very true. But Hitchcock also pointed out that film effects, when used to the purpose of the story, is very important

I'm interested in the technique of my work which stimulates the emotion of the viewer. That's my best definition of cinematography, which is the part of filmmaking I'm the most interested in. It's not the story that's important but what you do with it. The important thing is that the viewer goes through an experience, be it hate or love. If you experience either one I have done my job correctly.

Edited December 7, 2012 by DannyFilming