StarLord (DayZ) 39 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) So I have a writing assignment due - Write a fictional interpretation of something you're unfamiliar with. Since I'm fairly newto DayZ, and it's currently number one on my "me" time list, I've decided to write a Suspense/Horror story, and slowly shareit with you guys. So here's the first short "chapter" I guess you could say. If I get a good response from it I'll keep posting chaptersevery so often. So if you enjoy and want to know what happens please leave some feedback! :) EDITED*** I've revised my story. First person story telling just wasn't working. Hope you enjoy! The Myth of Jacob - Chapter One: Awake at last. He opened his eyes slowly, staring out at a deserted beach, cast aside like the bits of trash strewn across the sand and weeds. Bracing his palms and fingertips into the coarse sand the stranger lifted himself to his knees and forced his eyes open wide. He was weak, which was all too apparent by the onset of hunger pains, while his dry, cracked lips only gave tell to his thirst. The man stood up, slowly, struggling to regain his awareness. “Where am I?” he asked aloud, only to be met by the sound of waves crashing into the shore behind him. “Who am I?” There were no memories, no reminders, not even as much as a recollection of anything before that moment. “An ID!” he thought to himself “Please, let me at least have an ID!” He said patting down the pockets of his blue jeans, and shaking out the folds of his T shirt. The stranger stared at the ground, scanning where he’d lain, praying that he’d find something, anything, that could give him some answers. While his hopes were high, the only treasure to be found was a lonely flashlight, half buried in the sand. The man reached down slowly and took the light into his hands. His fingers trembled steadily as they clasped the flashlight, bringing it closer for inspection. “At least this works” he grumbled underneath of his breathe, and for the first time since he’d been awake he’d realized the severity of his situation. Not only was he thirsty, hungry, and completely unaware of who he was, but he could see his own breathe! A sudden chill swept in, encasing his body in a sense of urgency. He couldn’t sit still any longer. Step by step he made his way towards what looked to be houses. It wasn’t a terribly long walk, but the weather certainly wasn’t helping. Eventually, his steps transitioned from the crunching of frozen blades of grass, to the “tap” of his soles on pavement. He approached the first sign he saw, and read aloud, “Welcome to Камышово”. “I don’t even know what language that is…” He began to think to himself, before having his concentration cut off by a loud and piercing shriek. “Steady” he said to himself in a reassuring tone, while grasping the flashlight so tight that his knuckles lost color. Focused on the direction the noise came from all was, oddly enough, quiet. There were no animals that he could see, no people, not even a “buzz” from the electrical lines above. As soon as he began to lower his hands he was stricken with horror. Tearing out of the wood-line like a wild animal was a massive man, screaming and shrieking with every step he took. At this moment, fight or flight kicked in, and the stranger sprinted for the first house that his eyes fell on. He barreled through the street, jumping the fence, and throwing his momentum onto the porch. “Help!” he screamed while pounding on the door. “PLEASE! SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR!” His cries were met with nothing but sore fists. Panicked, while hearing the pounding footsteps of his attacker closing in, he made one last plea “PLEASE JUST LET ME IN!” A single gunshot rang out, and all was silent. To be continued. Edited October 9, 2014 by StarLord 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Steak and Potatoes 13480 Posted October 9, 2014 Great read Starlord, looking forward to the next round. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sleeves 98 Posted October 9, 2014 You may want to check for spelling mistakes next time. I also dislike the format of the story.I then began to...I checked for...I was wearing...I decided to...I had...A LOT of that was in those two paragraphs. Try cutting back on "I" statements and try explaining the character's actions differently. Also you do not really explain things well to begin with. You explain a lot of events, but do so with only a single sentence for each. That does not mean explain each step the person takes with 500 words, but some better descriptions would be better. The intro is good enough though, but it does not leave me wanting more. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pillock 850 Posted October 9, 2014 You may want to check for spelling mistakes next time. I also dislike the format of the story.I then began to...I checked for...I was wearing...I decided to...I had...A LOT of that was in those two paragraphs. Try cutting back on "I" statements and try explaining the character's actions differently. Also you do not really explain things well to begin with. You explain a lot of events, but do so with only a single sentence for each. That does not mean explain each step the person takes with 500 words, but some better descriptions would be better.The intro is good enough though, but it does not leave me wanting more. Good grief... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Whyherro123 2283 Posted October 9, 2014 Good grief...Proper writing skills is something worthwhile to develop. Especially since this is an assignment. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StarLord (DayZ) 39 Posted October 9, 2014 You may want to check for spelling mistakes next time. I also dislike the format of the story.I then began to...I checked for...I was wearing...I decided to...I had...A LOT of that was in those two paragraphs. Try cutting back on "I" statements and try explaining the character's actions differently. Also you do not really explain things well to begin with. You explain a lot of events, but do so with only a single sentence for each. That does not mean explain each step the person takes with 500 words, but some better descriptions would be better.The intro is good enough though, but it does not leave me wanting more. Fair enough! Allow me to have another go at this. Keep in mind that I'm being vague intentionally to begin with. Also, I've never written in the first person... which now that I've gotten feedback I'm going to switch it up. Where are there spelling mistakes? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sleeves 98 Posted October 9, 2014 He asked for feedback, so I gave him some. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sleeves 98 Posted October 9, 2014 (edited) Also the spelling mistake was "incase", located at the end of paragraph one about the fog. The correct spelling in that instance would be "encase". Edited October 9, 2014 by Sleeves Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
k3malb3y 23 Posted October 9, 2014 Awesome. I don't care about spelling. details detailss.. also somthing like this should be in game book item that we want to read near the campfire Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Death By Crowbar 1213 Posted October 9, 2014 I wasn't expecting the door to be locked. I was expecting you to open it and shut it behind you only to have the shrieking freak walk right through the door as if it were a neutrino or somehow immune to electro-static repulsion that should normally be at play between it and the door. Either that or if the house were down a little hill the shrieking person charging at you would randomly fall 5 feet to his death and continue to slide down the road as if friction between its body and the ground had simply been turned off. Come on, it's funny... I kid! :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StarLord (DayZ) 39 Posted October 9, 2014 Great read Starlord, looking forward to the next round. He asked for feedback, so I gave him some. Awesome. I don't care about spelling. details detailss.. also somthing like this should be in game book item that we want to read near the campfire Okay guys, I'll admit. I wrote that hastily. I've taken your advice and reworked it. I can say that even I'M curious to see where I'm going to take the story.Hope this one is better than the first, because this is how I'm going to proceed. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MountGreen 20 Posted October 9, 2014 Well I love the re-written version, keep us posted and have some beans! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
umm_me 77 Posted October 9, 2014 Cool story, I enjoyed it.One thing kind bothered me... why do the signs in this foreign land have some English on them? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StarLord (DayZ) 39 Posted October 9, 2014 Cool story, I enjoyed it.One thing kind bothered me... why do the signs in this foreign land have some English on them? For the same reason every character in Inglorious Bastards spoke English. Just to appeal to who you're writing for, while keeping authenticity where it matters. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
