LeeHarveyEnfield

'ON YER KNEES SON!!!' commanded Beansy, the kid obliged. 'There's a good boy' Beansy continued with an evil grin, 'now open that purty little mouth nice an' wiiiiiide, that's it, now... say HELLOOOOOOOO!!!' Our pre-pubescent captive could never have known just where his ill fated ambush attempt was going to lead him, if he had even the slightest inkling about the dark and depraved road his actions would eventually lead him down he surely would have kept his high pitched squeak of a voice and his mosin quiet. We found him 20 minutes earlier, we'd heard some shots in Berezino and like moths to a flame ran to investigate and there he was, crouched over an unconscious fresh spawn screeching insults at his helpless victim 'You dumb bitch! You f*cking dumbass noob bitch....' etc etc, I am sure you get the gist, as we watched and listened from behind a wall the squeaking continued until, with a final outburst of childish hate filled vitriol (which included multiple references to the victims mothers unusual sexual preferences) he ended his victims ordeal with a double tap to the face. 'I like him' chuckled Beansy 'reminds me of me when I was a little un' the child finished looting the body then withdrew to the building from where no doubt he had first emerged, like a trapdoor spider lurking in his stairwell behind a closed door listening for the sound of footsteps before springing an ambush. 'I'll bait him you waste him' suggested Beansy And so it went, Beansy trotted past the door making as much noise as possible, the little scrote opened the door and appeared, gun raised and I smashed a couple of 5.56's into his chest and down he went like the proverbial sack of excrement. Cue Beansy... - 'You nasty little sh*t, eh? you dirty sneaky little toe rag you, eh? How ya feelin now ya sackless tart? does yer momma know yer out this late? or is she still out servicing truckers for a fiver a pop?' Seeing he was still alive I instantly applied a bandage then proceeded to strip his lifeless form of any weaponry, Beansy sharp as a razor saw what was afoot and applied some handcuffs, we waited in silence for him to regain consciousness. Beansy checked his pulse and discovered his name was 'SykoBoB' 'When yer wake up Bob yer gonna come with us, no talking, no raising yer fists, any monkey business an we'll end yer on the spot, do you understand son?' 'yes' it squeaked, 'Good' said Beansy, then added 'Not a f*ckin word out of you son!' no sooner had Bob regained consciousness than we were off towards the trees, me up front, Bob in the middle and Beansy bringing up the rear. and it was in the woods where we imposed our will upon the wretched child, we force fed him a rotten kiwi and laughed as he vomited, we punched him a few times and he raised his fists and fought back, he landed a couple of good uns on me and I feared I would go down, unfortunately for Bob the only person going down today was him and that brings us back to where our tale began... A child on his knees, Beansy standing above him barking instructions as he guided the barrel of his shotgun towards an opened mouth '... say HELLOOOOOOOO!!!' 'helloooo' he squeaked as a single shot echoed around the forest and Bob was no more.

'He sounds awfully upset Beansy' I say, 'Look at him laying there in the gutter like the trash that he is.' 'Yep, he's a right proper grumpy guts' chuckles Beansy. The fool is droning away in the unmistakable nasal whine of the born loser, something about kill on sighters ruining dayz and how we should all 'fu*k off back to COD' 'Keep on crying loser' beansy sniggers 'you never know, we might take pity on yer.' Beansy bends over the wretch and starts punching his face until he adopts the unconscious position, this buys us a well deserved moments silence. It all began an hour or so before in Svet, Beansy and I were camping by the train tracks waiting for a suitably well geared halfwit to kill and rob, Beansy had recently died and understandably, we couldn't be bothered to loot him back to full gear status, why anyone would waste time and energy searching for gear is beyond our comprehension when, with a little time and patience, all the gear you could ever need will eventually come to you. We were just considering switching to another server when our 'friend' arrived, Mosin on his back, axe in his hands and a lovely hand crafted burlap back pack, we just knew this guy was kitted for survival. 'OK Beansy, go get him' I urged, 'Righto' came the chirpy reply and off he skipped. We always play this the same way, the least geared of us approaches the target and attempts to engage him in a 'friendly' conversation, the way things play out depends on our target, if they seem pliable and docile we lure them away with promises of adventure and murder him in the woods or, if he seems a little high spirited and aggressive the one of us in hiding fills him with lead while he tries to kill the other. I was crouched behind one of the wagons shamelessly exploiting 3rd person to keep an eye on events and I watched as Beansy ran out and raised his hands 'hey man, are you friendly?' he asked, our dupe stopped and turned around, 'Hello there' he said in a kind voice, 'do you need anything?' Beansy is outstanding at playing the dumb noob and on this occasion he truly outdid even his own high standards. 'I am looking for the airport mate, I got attacked by zombies and I have low blood.' No mark - 'do you need some food?' Beansy - 'oh yes please if you have some to spare' No mark - 'do you know what blood type you are?' Beansy - 'no, how do I find out?' No mark - 'I have a testing kit, lets get out of the open and we'll see if we can fix you up' Beansy - 'cheers dude, I was scared you would kill me haha' No mark - 'Not me mate, I am friendly unless attacked' As they were conducting this little interaction I was replacing my mag with a full one and had left the wagon, I was prone crawling along the tracks to get a little closer. Beansy was laughing in teamspeak 'he's a right mug, this is too easy'. 'He ain't dead yet' I cautioned, stay focused and tell him to follow you to the station. Beansy - 'Lets go into the station' No mark - 'sure, be careful there is a zombie round the back' Beansy - 'oh, ok, cheers' As they crossed the tracks I slipped into 1st person and trained my trusty AKM under the carriage and onto our blissfully oblivious target, held my breath and squeezed the trigger, a short burst smashed into his legs and down he went, not dead but ultimately out of the game, Beansy being Beansy was now beside himself with glee and was already mocking our prey. I jogged up behind him and instructed him to 'stay still and all will be fine' but the way Beansy was laughing and skipping around excitedly while shouting some of his most imaginative and soul destroying insults I think he realised his game was coming to an end. And that brings us back to where our story began, a cretin laying in his own blood, anger and shock and surprise no doubt being felt acutely by the human being who was staring at a monitor somewhere, who cares where, helpless as he stares blankly at a blackened screen and listens to the joyous celebrations and merciless ridicule as expressed by his vanquishers. Eventually Beansy ended it, he took a .45 from the unconscious no marks holster and, after calling him a few choice names, double tapped his empty skull. Moments later a similarly named player left the server, his signature, just like his characters life, had simply timed out.

you see I love the clown mask because people like you hate it, I know how everyone feels when they see one and that is all part of the overall experience I'm trying to bring to imbeciles players all over chernarus.

Day 1 - Kabanino Found myself a right plum spot, you may know it. The green house at the top of Kabanino in the upstairs room. I have all I need for a few hours happy camping. A backpack full of opened tins and fresh water, a Mosin with 67 rounds, bandages, a firemans axe for dispatching zombies and of course the obligatory clown mask, it is this mask that the hapless survivors focus on when they walk through the door and see me, crouched in the corner with my fully loaded mosin pointed at their stupefied face, the clown mask tells them more than I ever could...this is the end of your game me old fruit. I can see down the road past the farm and out across the fields to the south from the small window, from the large window I can see the green house on the outside of the village where those hoping to bypass Starry will arrive first, it is from this direction that my first victim approaches, no doubt feeling pretty secure as he notices all the doors on all the houses are closed. I watch as he switches from M4 to pickaxe. I slip into first person and raise my trusty mosin. First the sound of Aggro as my own personal idiot alert system lets me know he is looting the cow sheds, I risk a sneaky peek in 3rd person and see him immerge from the closest barn, he is swiping away at 2 zombies and failing miserably to make contact, he is bleeding and I can't help but snigger at this ridiculous performance, it is clear he has absolutely no hand to eye coordination whatsoever. I can only hope he manages to sort this out, we can't have the worst zombies in gaming history stealing my booty now can we. He disappears behind the wall and a few moments later I hear automatic gunfire, in a state of blind panic he has switched to his M4 and 12 - 14 shots later he appears at the roadside where he kneels to apply a bandage, no doubt feeling pretty pleased with himself for managing the situation so professionally. He switches back to the pick axe and crouch leans his way pathetically across the road towards my house so I turn my attention to the door. Footsteps on the staircase, can there be a sweeter sound to the camper than the footsteps of an clueless imbecile with a full loadout as he walks up towards his own inevitable demise? I think not. I lean to the right, my angles all worked out hours ago and open my mic as the door swing outwards and there he is in all his inept glory, he jogs into the room and then freezes, no doubt trying to process the information in his stunted mind 'uh? dere's a clown wiv a gun wots pointin at my face? wot do I do now?' while his treacle thick brain tries to calculate the meaning of this latest development I have lined up the iron sights on his disbelieving mug. 'Thanks for the gear Fucko' I say as I squeeze the trigger swiftly putting an end to his pointless existence. 'but I woz friendly' said the corpse sounding pleasingly devastated. I laughed the word 'halfwit' as I rifled through his gear. It was then that he left the server no doubt feeling as emasculated and deflated as I was feeling victorious and elated.

we have stumbled across several lady boys like yourself, we did assault one in the school building, although the deep voice just wrecked our immersion we persevered and both managed to get our characters knobs polished. But since then we don't commit to anything sexual until we are both pretty sure we are dealing with an actual female, preferably a scared one. Lady boys just get battered to death.

me and Beansy have met 3 female gamers in standalone, we have simulated serious sexual assaults in each case, make no mistake, if an apocalyptic event took place then lone females with average or better looks and physique would find themselves being taken, with or without their consent on a regular basis. 2 girls we found were resistant and made life a little difficult although we did on both occasions manage to corner them and do our thing without any problems, although one was unconscious, she was still breathing so it counts. but the French girl we met in elektro actually played along and faked an orgasm for us, although she refused to 'gulp' into direct after I pretended to tickile her tonsils with my pork sword, frigid mare.

ideally dayz standalone full release version, when it arrives sometime no doubt in 2015/16 will contain the following... 1 - Persistent storage/stashes for player loot and gear and player bases/camps 2 - 1000's of zombies per server including roaming hordes. 3 - animals, lots for hunting and eating. 4 - More loot in more places including the car wrecks and every enterable building type, lots and lots more than we see now to prevent the need for server refresh restarts every 4 hours and whole maps getting cleared out. 5 - vehicles and vehicle parts. 6 - 60+ players per server 7 - Other added mechanics/items/features which currently haven't even been concieved 8 - Game performance optimized giving at least 40+ FPS in cities for players with average P.C.'s on medium settings I can't wait, I hope they manage to deliver all of the above and perhaps more. The elephant in the room for me is optimization and performance, how will they manage to squeeze that kind of improvement out of the engine while adding all these features and sheer volume of items which will put massively increased strains upon servers and players P.C.'s, all of which are currently struggling to cope with no where near the levels of burden the above list implies should be coming in the future? Can they deliver? or will they have to compromise, if so where will they compromise? Will we ever see player stashes? Will we ever see good performance for average P.C.'s? Is 60 + players per server just not gonna happen? Will zombie numbers ever reach the levels we all dream about? Will we see massive hordes? Are servers doomed to restart every 4 hours for ever? Because surely miracles just don't happen and there must be a limit to what is possible. Discuss...

on the mod some hardcore servers had a special night setting that no amount of gamma sliding could overcome. Nights were pitch black and without flares or flashlights you were fucked. The devs should look at how that was done, in the mean time remove the gamma slider to prevent the everpresent tossers from exploiting it and destroying the whole experience for us genuine gamers who seek to enjoy Rockets vision as it was intended. If you gamma exploit you are not worthy of playing this game and you are dragging it down into the filthy shit smeared gutter with you.

gamma exploiters do indeed stain night time play for the rest of us with their cowardly ways and the ability to light up the night needs to be fixed, I still play nights and I still use a torch. If I die because another guy exploits then so be it, I refuse to allow gutless wankers to impinge upon my enjoyment of the pure night time dayz experience.

Christ almighty there are times when I wonder why many members of this community ever bought the game. Night time is dark because of the simple fact that the sun has slipped below the horizon and is aiming her rays at the other side of the planet, this game does night superbly well and the atmosphere of a busy server during darkness is second to none. Get your torch out and enjoy yourself you pathetic excuse for a gamer.

beansy found her wandering around elektro, clearly in a state of confusion and in need of some assistance, we were huddled inside the stairwell of cherno firehouse as she bled all over the walls. 'Take off yer t shirt' he advised after she weakly proclaimed to have no bandages 'pardon? I cant do zat' she said kinda flirtatiously and with a giggle 'Just take it off and drop it into your inventory rip it up and use as a bandage you dopey cow!' not like beansy to be so curt, especially as this is the first actual female human playing as a female we have ever met in the game. she did as she was told and dressed the wounds while beansy and I discussed our next move in teamspeak. 'Shes a girl' noted beany 'indeed she is, but lets not allow that minor detail to get in the way of our fun' I reasoned 'She's french' said beany 'I know but we cant discriminate on the basis of nationality' I hastily replied 'She's f*cking stupid' he added 'I know but we cant discriminate on the basis of mental agility either, remember we despise all noobs equally and without prejudice' 'ok I finish ze bandage' piped up the dumb frog wench 'so what we do now?' that's when beansy punched her to the ground and kept on punching her while screaming 'FOR AGINCOURT!!!' over and over again until she died and left the server. 'Au revoir' said beansy with a chuckle

unlike any beginners unfortunate or naive enough to follow your guidance

as I suspected, a half man.

the clock sir.... it ticks.

the OP certainly seems to be an utter expert in spouting horse shit. I see you sir and I see through you. Name the server, a time and a location and I shall expose you to such a thrashing, I shall expose for all to see the pitiful state of what lies behind that fragile ego you seem to take such pride in displaying, blissfully ignorant it seems of just how ridiculous you are beginning to look. Let us meet in combat sir and I shall delight in stripping you of what little dignity still clings awkwardly to you and shall display the act of utter emasculation and cruel domination here, in this very thread, through the medium of video for all to see.