A (Former) Good Guy's Experience As A Heartless Bandit Marauder: Chapter The First

[TSGN7 5]

Some of you may have read my post condemning my death at the hands of KOS-in that post, I swore to renounce my morality and become a sadistic, sinister reaver of the wastes. This is what DayZ is like in the mind of a newly coronated Bandit of the High Plains:

 

Note; the content in this post is intended as a satire. The writer is not a violent sociopath-he is merely a cannibal. Enjoy >:)

 

 

Day The First:

 

Today was the first day in my blood filled rampage throughout the wastes of Chernarus, so in the mood of violence I opted to clothe myself in a truly dastardly and nefarious manner. I strode across to the opening Kamyshovo spawn I inhabited, and donned a Rider's jacket, plus a bandanna facemask to truly encompass the generic look of a vagabond such as myself. Arming myself with a Woodcutter's Axe and some wire rope to capture witless freshies with, I set off upon my hunt for prey in my reversed role of Hero Slayer.

 

As I strode most nefariously upon Elektro, I found my first kill-a freshie attempting to open a can of peaches. Idiot. Peaches are meant for ramming into one's eyes, not consumption! I rushed this most foolish of fellows and promptly tied him with the wire I had discovered. Having captured this rat, I set about searching his pockets-naturally he was a freshie, so all I could steal whilst twirling my handlebar 'stache was his flashlight. Being a brand new freshie to DayZ, he kept enquiring about who I was, and commenting upon how "cool" I was as his first captor. This was quickly silenced with a punch to his gut. 

 

After a good hour of forcing him to run, sit, run into the water nearby, and playing Catch the Rock, I eventually decided that his torment must be complete in order to welcome him into the world of DayZ. To facilitate this, I continuously breathed into my mic with chat enabled to convince him I was some lunatic in his mom's basement. 

 

This being a lie naturally- I am a sociopath in my sister's attic, there's a clear difference.
 

Anyways, I quickly found the tools I required-a burlap sack and a lead pipe. I placed the bag upon his head, and proceeded to break his leg-however, death in DayZ is far too kind. I left him there, on the side of the ocean in DayZ with a broken leg, tied with wire, and blinded by a burlap sack. 

 

It was fantastic-evil is quite hilarious and a good deal more possible than playing Hero and getting teabagged vicariously by Chad Chennington and his prepubescent lackeys.

 

To all heroes in the land of Chernarus, there is a new psychopathic master of dastardly deeds in town.

 

His name is Minigo Fantoya-and he challenges you to discover him

 

End of Chapter

[tobias winfro 305]

That was truely funny, good read man. Only thing better would have been a Snidely Whiplash gif with the mustache twirl, have some beans

[GaryWalnuts 1680]

and playing Catch the Rock

 

 

beans

[IgnobleBasterd 161]

Welcome to the dark side. <3

People's resistance only makes my penis harder.

Edited February 21, 2015 by IgnobleBasterd