DayZ Book

[StackOverload 0]

Hello! I'm writing a story based off of DayZ! This story may be modified for video if I can find some people interested in working the video side of it. Here's a small part of the story (I'll add more if I get good feedback):
 
Date: December 21st 2014
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I was standing in the grasslands outside of Elektro, listening to the sound of the breeze while trying to focus on my scope of my SKS. I was looking down upon Elektro for the bandit that shot and killed my Russian friend Alexander. He was my only friend out here, you come to learn that friends are not easy to make out here in hell. Me and Alexander met in the town of Balota, it was there were we met in an unusual manner. I was looting buildings to search for some food for the night when I heard a shot of a Mosin ring out a bit north of me, it was so close I could hear the bullet hit flesh of what I hoped to be a walker. I ran outside and went onto the far side of the tan peasant house to see who or what the bullet pierced, before I could see him I was shot and then darkness ran over me. I awoke with ringing pain in my chest, I could see a large bandage on my chest. But something was strange, I was not on the soft green grass in Balota. Instead I was in a cold dark room! To Be Continued.

 
(Please comment any suggestions, or comments. Criticism is welcome!)

Edited December 21, 2013 by StackOverload

[Pvt Dolin 137]

Change

 

I was standing in the grasslands outside of Elektro, listening to the sound of the breeze while trying to focus on my scope of my SKS. I was looking down upon Elektro for the bandit that shot and killed my Russian friend Alexander. He was my only friend out here, you come to learn that friends are not easy to make out here in hell. Me and Alexander met in the town of Balota, it was there were we met in an unusual manner. I was looting buildings to search for some food for the night when I heard a shot of a Mosin ring out a bit north of me, it was so close I could hear the bullet hit flesh of what I hoped to be a walker. I ran outside and went onto the far side of the tan peasant house to see who or what the bullet pierced, before I could see him I was shot and then darkness ran over me. I awoke with ringing pain in my chest, I could see a large bandage on my chest. But something was strange, I was not on the soft green grass in Balota. Instead I was in a cold dark room! To Be Continued.

To

 

I was standing in the grasslands outside of Elektrozavodsk, listening to the sound of the breeze while trying to focus on my the scope of my SKS. I was looking down upon Elektro the town for the bandit that shot and killed my Russian friend, Alexander. He was my only friend out here. You come to learn that friends are not easy to make out here in hell. Me and Alexander Alexander and I met in the town of Balota. It was there were  We met there in an unusual manner. I was looting buildings to in search of some food for the night when I heard a shot of a Mosin ring out a bit north of me. It was so close, I could hear the bullet hit the flesh of what I hoped to be a walker. I ran outside and went onto towards the far side of the a tan, peasant house to see who or what the bullet pierced. Before I could see him, I was shot and then darkness ran over me. I awoke with a ringing pain in my chest. I could see a large bandage on my chest. But Although, something was strange. I was not on the soft, green grass in of Balota, instead, I was in a cold, dark room! To Be Continued.

 

 

Grammatical errors are lined-through and the fixes are highlighted red.
Be sure to: include where your friend was/what he was doing at the time when he was shot, how you two met and what was the situation like, and slow down the pace of the story.
Your entire piece is also in past tense, even though you mention three different time sequences (i.e. "standing in the grasslands outside of Elektro, listening to the...", "Alexander and I met in the town of Balota.", "Before I could see him, I was shot... ...I was in a cold, dark room!")

Good luck and I hope to see more addition to this story soon.  :thumbsup:

Edited December 21, 2013 by Mocha Loco

[StackOverload 0]

 

Change

To

 

Grammatical errors are lined-through and the fixes are highlighted red.

Be sure to: include where your friend was/what he was doing at the time when he was shot, how you two met and what was the situation like, and slow down the pace of the story.

Your entire piece is also in past tense, even though you mention three different time sequences (i.e. "standing in the grasslands outside of Elektro, listening to the...", "Alexander and I met in the town of Balota.", "Before I could see him, I was shot... ...I was in a cold, dark room!")

Good luck and I hope to see more addition to this story soon.  :thumbsup:

 

Thanks for the help mate! I didn't realize how bad my grammar was. :P

[playerwon 0]

its a good start! ive written a great deal of fan fiction in my day, and i would read this... if the other guy where to become your editor first lol. jk, its your story, and being told the way you know so keep it up! i want to see more!