Things I am no longer allowed to do in DayZ

[Target Practice (DayZ) 1335]

Okay, some of you will recognise the format of this from such excellent entertainment as Skippy's list and 'Things Mr Welch is no longer allowed to do in an RPG'. During a bored moment, I figured that DayZ would probably see some mileage from a list like this too - so, without further ado:

Things I am not allowed to do in DayZ any more:

1: Playing the ‘Benny Hill’ theme while I do it does not justify running round Elektro firing my Lee Enfield rifle.

2: ‘Buzzing’ newbies in a Huey on the Cherno to Elektro road is best done when my teammates are not sat in said Huey screaming for their lives.

3: If I start singing ‘Kum Ba Yah’ one more time when someone lights a campfire, I will be shot and left for dead.

4: Wearing a Ghillie Suit does not entitle me to communicate in Wookie over TeamSpeak.

5: Whilst my commitment to recycling is admirable, there are no recycling centres on Chernarus, so I can stop holding the party up to collect tin cans.

6: The Coyote backpack is NOT the reason we don’t see any Coyotes around Chernarus.

7: Likewise, the British Assault Pack does NOT contain brass knuckles and a top hat.

8: I am limited to a maximum of two Ron Burgundy quotes per play session.

9: I am not allowed to shoot other players for their morphine ‘because I need a fix, man’.

10: No matter how many times I try, we are never going to ‘get wicked sweet airtime’ in the bus.

11: Humming the ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ theme when approaching the Northwest airfield does not help anybody’s nerves, no matter how loud I do it.

12: If I don’t hit the rabbit with the first box of M249 ammo, we should probably just cut our losses and move on.

13: The AS50 is no longer to be used for opening tins of beans. This goes double when someone else is holding them.

14: No matter how close I try to get, that zombie in the white shirt and beret does NOT look like Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters.

15: Chernogorsk is not Russian for ‘Whale’s Vagina’. Also, see item 8.

16: ‘Taking the sniper out’ does not mean inviting him for dinner over side chat.

17: We are all aware of the effect a baked bean and sardine-heavy diet will have on the digestive system, and no more will be said on the matter.

18: I am to stop asking new players where Thumper is and telling them that I’m sorry about their mother.

19: I am to stop screaming ‘Airwooooolfffffff, nooooooo!’ at Heli Crash sites.

20: Holding up other players is acceptable. Interrogating them ‘Jack Bauer style’ is not.

21: Our hero group’s motto does not mean “Cannon Fodder” in latin.

22: Landing a helicopter on a hospital roof is impressive. Landing it on a lighthouse is showing off.

23: No matter how many times I think I shot it, satchel charges on a goat is overkill.

24: Double-tapping with the AS50 is unnecessary.

25: Just because the Lee Enfield is nicknamed the ‘dinner bell’ doesn’t mean I have to fire it in the air every time we stop to eat.

26: The Winchester does not shoot slices of fried gold.

27: ‘Zombie Wizards’ is not an acceptable explanation for why the Huey I was left in charge of is now upside-down and on fire.

28: Just because the road signs are in Russian does not mean that I have to speak with a Russian accent.

29: Saying ‘Stand and Deliver’ when holding someone up is acceptable. Playing Adam and the Ants is not.

30: The Bandit group pinning us down in the supermarket will not respond to ‘a firm telling off’.

31. If at any point I begin to hum 'Ride of the Valkyries', I am to immediately land the chopper and let someone else pilot.

32. There is currently no situation in DayZ that requires a tracheotomy, and even if there was, the MP5 is not a suitable tool for the task.

33. If doing something causes me to giggle audibly over Teamspeak, I am to immediately stop, lay down and wait for the rest of the team to come fix whatever it is I've done.

34. The correct term is 'Fire Station', not 'Twatmagnet'.

35. Snipers do not have or need a battle cry.

36. When told to hide/hit the dirt, my first question should not be 'Raptors?'

37. My three-man team does not consist of me, 'primary human shield' and 'backup human shield'

38. I am no longer allowed to hunt with any item to which the term 'blast radius' can be applied.

39. The reason for all the empty whiskey bottles is not to make the Russian women look good.

40. 'It's what they would have wanted' is not to be used to justify the looting of a corpse belonging to someone currently in the TeamSpeak channel. This goes double if it was me that caused their death, no matter how indirectly.

41. Smoke grenades are not toys.

42. I can try as hard as I like, it's not possible to trick the zombies into recreating the 'Thriller' dance in the middle of Elektro.

43. Not allowed to set the stoner guy off by asking 'what if the game is real and we're all just a dream?'

44. We did not spend four hours repairing the helicopter so we could go 'cruising for chicks'.

45. No longer allowed to tell the new guy that he can give himself a blood transfusion by pressing Alt+F4.

46. In conjunction with item 28, adding -ski to the end of every other word does not constitute 'speaking Russian'.

47. Just because we haven't seen any female zombies does not mean that they're still trying to find somewhere to park.

48. My character's spirit guide is not any of the following: William Shatner, Any character played by William Shatner, any person or character with similar character traits to William Shatner. There will be no further discussion on this matter.

49. The fact zombies cannot see me through trees does not mean my character is part Wood Elf, part Ninja or part Treant. Or any combination of the three.

50. Epi Pens are not to be used as 'pick-me-ups'.

51. No matter what I learned from the movie Hot Shots! Part Deux, a chicken is NOT a valid choice of weapon.

52. Any plan which starts with the words 'First we strap a load of satchel charges to...' is immediately vetoed.

53. The zombies aren't infectious, so I shall refrain from any more 'mercy kills'.

54. I am no longer allowed to challenge other players to hatchet duels.

55. Any action which causes a member of my team to break down in tears is automatically disallowed in advance.

56. Until we see definitive proof, I am to stop blaming our missing tents and vehicles on Kobolds.

57. If I don't stop singing that damn Queen song every single time, the act of our group finding a bicycle will be marked by my immediate execution.

58. I am not to play dodgeball with the M203's launcher attachment.

59. Just because it happened once does not mean I have the power to summon wild boar by using the power word 'bacon'.

60. If a player breaks his/her leg and I don't have morphine, I am not to attempt to amputate with the hatchet, even if I did sterilise the blade first.

61. Singing 'Another One Bites the Dust' when a team-mate dies is not considered appropriate behaviour.

62. Chasing team members through barns in the dark with my hatchet is going to get me shot one of these days.

63. If we are running low on blood bags, I am not allowed to suggest using the new guy for refills.

64. 'Hang back and wait for them to hit puberty' is not a helpful suggestion when under attack from other players.

65. There is no possible situation which will require me to be carrying three machine guns.

66. Any action which draws more than eight lines of player reaction in side chat is probably something I shouldn't be doing.

67. Likewise, any action which causes the Teamspeak channel to go silent for thirty seconds is also something I shouldn't be doing.

68. When challenging a player to a duel, it is generally considered polite to inform him of this before opening fire.

69. Any plan I suggest that has the words 'initial explosion' and 'acceptable casualties' in will be rejected before I have finished the sentence.

70. It doesn't matter how nicely I ask, I'm not allowed to carry frag grenades again until I've learned what the controls for a blood transfusion are.

71: 'Friendly fire' does not mean shooting at someone's feet to tell them that you're friendly.

72: I am not to kidnap new players and force them to duel with hatchets at gunpoint.

73: There is a limit to the number of times someone can 'accidentally' discharge their weapon during tense night-time crawls through hostile territory.

74: I am to consult the rest of the team before stopping to pick up hitchhikers armed with assault rifles.

75: No more playing 'chicken' with team members awaiting pickup. Particularly when they are not aware that they're playing.

76: I am not to congratulate the player who just shot me in Elektro for 'having such a deep voice for a eunuch'.

77: When in doubt, I am to assume that vehicles are not amphibious.

78: I am not to attempt to commandeer the tank statue in Chernogorsk.

79: I am not allowed to try any plan which is likely to cause server-wide framerate drops.

80: 'I took a wrong turn' is not a sufficient explanation for how our fishing vessel ended up in Stary Sobor.

81: Chernarus is in a bad enough state as it is without me attempting to start a military coup.

82: When asked to create a distraction, shooting a team member in the legs and running away is not what was meant.

83: Even if MacGyver could do it, it's not possible to attempt to fashion a jetpack out of tin cans, fuel and frag grenades.

84: 'Probably' is not a satisfactory response when asked mid-flight if I remembered to fill up the helicopter before take-off.

85: When running low on food, searching supermarkets and hunting animals is likely to yield better results than trying to get Bob Geldof to hold a benefit concert for us.

86: I am not to tell the guy in the Ghillie Suit to 'get a haircut, hippie'.

87: Yodelling. Never. Again. Ever.

88: I am not to assume the role of 'psychotic drill sergeant' without permission.

89: There is a time and a place for rap battles. A firefight on the Northwest Airfield is neither.

90: In the event of unexplained explosions, I had better have a DAMN good alibi.

91: 'Do a barrel roll!' is not helpful advice when the Huey pilot is trying to land under fire.

92: If I don't stop screaming 'freedom' every time my combat timer goes off, I won't be allowed to use the blue facepaint skin any more.

93: I am not allowed to slip subliminal advertising into the group's 'Let's play' videos.

94: Crashing the Humvee into a road sign is bad enough. Crashing the Littlebird into a road sign gets me kicked out of the group.

95: Not allowed to hold impromptu raves with the chemlights.

96: Painkillers are used to ease the effects of existing pain, not to stop the user from feeling it when they get shot.

97: Dying monologues are limited to a maximum of twenty minutes.

98: The guy with the infection does not have lung cancer.

99: Not allowed to use road flares to draw a giant penis on the Northwest Airfield.

100: If I'm too drunk to pronounce it, I'm too drunk to fly/drive/shoot it.

101: Even if I did grow a moustache especially for it, I'm not allowed to seduce anyone when I turn up to fix the Humvee.

102: Not allowed to use the helicopter to herd sheep.

103: Zombies don't have a melting point, so I can stop throwing road flares now.

104: Not allowed to talk about anything that makes the girl gamers feel sick.

105: Definitely not allowed to talk about anything that makes the guy gamers feel sick.

106: The guy with the AS50 isn't compensating for anything, thank you very much.

107: I have to carry at least one item about my person that isn't an explosive of some kind.

108: 'Shoot first, ask questions later' does not apply to the pre-mission briefing.

109: Frag grenades are not to be used to mark landing sites.

110: Just because I'm the only one that can fly the biplane does not relegate everyone else to the role of 'air stewardess'.

111: 'Fifty Shades of DayZ' is not a real book, and no-one wants to hear my excerpts from it.

112: Not allowed to fill the sniper's backpack with toilet paper while he's busy looking through the scope.

113: When under attack, I am not to attempt to sell teammates to bandits as slaves in order to save my own worthless hide.

114: I did not see a giant gator in that pond one time.

115: If a teammate gets held up and I haven't been spotted, it is not 'every man for himself'.

116: No speaking jive to players we just met over direct chat.

117: I am not to attempt to ram zombies with the biplane.

118: When playing in a hero group, I am not to charge into battle screaming 'blood for the blood god'.

119: Not allowed to use satchel charges to trick new players into thinking I can explode zombies with my mind.

120: We killed that sheep because we needed food, not because 'it was better than what the Aussie was going to do to it'.

121: Not allowed to throw smoke grenades in deer stands and laugh as people stumble blindly off the edge.

122: Not allowed to recreate any scene from Pulp Fiction in DayZ, including (but not limited to) accidentally blowing people's heads off in cars, stabbing 'OD-ing bitches' in the heart, and telling teammates to 'unleash the gimp'.

123: Not allowed to use satchel charges and a bus in order to recreate any scene from Speed.

124: No hiding in the back of the coupe and pretending that the car is haunted by the ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage.

125: No freaking out the pilot by replacing all his cans of soda with Mountain Dew while he isn't looking.

126: I am not to advocate cannibalism of wounded players, no matter how low on food we are and/or how much meat said player looks like they have on them.

127: No shooting unarmed players in the face and claiming that they might have known Krav Maga. Especially when playing Hero.

128: I am expected to inform the other passengers BEFORE bailing out when flying the Huey.

129: Chernarus is NOT 'just like Wales with friendlier locals'.

130: Just because we found a Ghillie Suit in a church does not mean that it's the same one Jesus wore. Moreover, there are so many things wrong with that statement, I should be ashamed of myself.

131: It doesn't matter where or how I got it, I'm not allowed to play with the T-72.

132: Any camouflage given by the Ghillie Suit does not 'stack' by wearing two or more.

133: Not allowed to play 'Hatchet tag' with my teammates.

134: Even if I do know morse code, not allowed to use my flashlight to transmit the lyrics to 'It's Raining Men'.

135: Not allowed to troll the French guy by surrendering to every single zombie we come across.

136: Likewise, I'm not allowed to mock the Italian guy by offering to switch sides every time we come under attack.

137: There is no easter egg where you can find the Teletubbies hill, so I can stop wasting all our fuel looking for it.

138: There is a key difference between a UAZ and a UAV. I am to learn and understand this difference before I am allowed to drive the UAZ again.

139: When playing DayZ Origins, I am not allowed to try and take down Dr Ivan with my Makarov.

140: There is an upper limit to the amount of time I am allowed to spend 'punting' zombies in the SUV at the Northwest airfield.

Edited March 8, 2013 by Target Practice

[novogeek 253]

Dude ... this is the funniest thing ever ... my eyes are watering from laughter and everyone in the office is looking at me strangely. I really did LOL.

:beans: :beans: :beans: :beans: :beans: for Humour!!!

[Welch (DayZ) 756]

Mr. Welch as in me..?

[thederper121 95]

19: I am to stop screaming ‘Airwooooolfffffff, nooooooo!’ at Heli Crash sites.

25: Just because the Lee Enfield is nicknamed the ‘dinner bell’ doesn’t mean I have to fire it in the air every time we stop to eat.

27: ‘Zombie Wizards’ is not an acceptable explanation for why the Huey I was left in charge of is now upside-down and on fire.

These three gave me a good laugh I haven't had in a while. You have my beans! :beans:

[Steak and Potatoes 13480]

Well played you have my beans :beans:

[codave 121]

LOL

[keetpa2@aol.com 24]

LMFAO, Quality m8 :)

I had to ring the dinner bell last night.....................Jesus !! :)

[#Sleepy 572]

It's been awhile since I've had a good laugh from these forums, great job on the thread. And I wish the people you play with the best of luck. :beans:

[Axxassin 49]

Here.. Have my can of beans.. you deserve it :beans:

[Testwd3r235 2810]

I lost it in 3-29, many beans. :beans:

[Target Practice (DayZ) 1335]

Mr. Welch as in me..?

Sure, why not. :P

Also, damn. Thanks for all the beans, guys. I'll probably come up with a few more later on, as I've been popping up with new ones all afternoon!

[CS14 133]

lol interesting list :thumbsup:

[Victim187 23]

Hilarious. The helicopter one, I've actually done that.

[Argamore (DayZ) 110]

HAHAAHHAHAHA

Love it ! :D

You can get a cookie!

Argamore gave one cookie to: 'Target practice' !

Congrats!

[Dabaroony 86]

.

7: Likewise, the British Assault Pack does NOT contain brass knuckles and a top hat.

Made me giggle noticeably at work.

[BwobBwub 660]

7: Likewise, the British Assault Pack does NOT contain brass knuckles and a top hat.

WHAT? Don't tell me there isn't a monocle and a swig of whiskey as well, I Say!

[TLChicken 0]

this is some seriously funny sh*t...you have my beans

[Target Practice (DayZ) 1335]

Well, the original post has been updated to include another batch I came up with over the course of a quiet afternoon. At this point, I should probably point out that you really shouldn't try out some of this stuff unless you have some very understanding teammates. :P

Anyway, items 31-70 are now edited into the original post. :)

Edited February 25, 2013 by Target Practice

[monsterrrkill@hotmail.co.uk 21]

And I wish the people you play with the best of luck. :beans:

That would be me, for one!

This made me laugh! I for one vote we need more Ron Burgundy quotes and more duels ;)

[Testwd3r235 2810]

Oh god, them last ones are even funnier. Why am I allowed to give only 1 beans...

[Welch (DayZ) 756]

Sure, why not. :P

Also, damn. Thanks for all the beans, guys. I'll probably come up with a few more later on, as I've been popping up with new ones all afternoon!

Woohoo!

And yeah, they're hilarious, keep it up!

[Victim187 23]

It's been awhile since I've had a good laugh from these forums, great job on the thread. And I wish the people you play with the best of luck. :beans:

Wow... It's pretty insane that we have managed to bump into each other here.

We had a conversation through Youtube comments just the other week.

Edited February 26, 2013 by Victim187

[Goggalor 191]

I'm going to steal this and make it my 'to-do' list.

[Target Practice (DayZ) 1335]

I'm going to steal this and make it my 'to-do' list.

I was discussing this with my buddy last night and we did actually say we should record me doing some of this stuff and upload it to youtube. :D

Edited February 26, 2013 by Target Practice

[Skat3rat 1633]

HAhahaah made my day!