The Ultimate Survival Guide to DayZ (Spoof)

[The Stoned Wolf 491]

So... you bambis are still bitching and whining about how the game is too hard, huh?

WELL NOT ANY LONGER! Because now, out of pure generosity (and boredom) I have stiched together the ultimate guide to survival... in DayZ.

STEP 1: FOOD

So it seems some noobs love to ask about where the best place to find food are. Well, I can safely tell you that that shit is completely worthless! All it gives you is damn diarrhea and loss of energy, and does nothing to help you except "nourish" you or something. Especially beans; that shit is baaaaad voodoo. Remember, hunger doesn't exist in the apocalypse.

STEP 2: DRINKS

Drinks, like food, are incredibly worthless and shit. All they do is do something called "hydrate" you or some shit. Half the time I'm sure the soda's expired anyway. AND STAY AWAY FROM MTN. DEW. It is made from undead bigfoot piss; not exactly a good source of nutrients, if you ask me.

STEP 3: DISEASE

In the wasteland, disease is a blessing. All you have to do is sit in some rain or go for a swim, and it gives you a constant source of pain to numb your suicidal thoughts! Can anything more really be said?

STEP 4: EQUIPMENT

Okay, so what's with all this hype around equipment? Surrrreee, you can get powerful guns that give you an edge over other survivors, but who gives a shit about that when you can just use your fists and finally reenact that zombie Chuck Norris movie that never happened? Or at least use a crowbar and let your inner Gordon Freeman run wild.

STEP 5: VEHICLES

Vehicles are honestly horrible. All they do is give you a massive amount of storage space and let you go "faster." I mean, who gives a shit about that stuff? All you need to do is man-up and start running like Usain Bolt. Not that hard!

STEP 6: "SAFE" PLACES

So, some people in DayZ say that there isn't a safe place. But that's just a sack of potatoes! Big cities and military bases such as the North West Airfield are completely safe, friendly places that are good to check out for beginners who need starter gear. The best part? These areas are completely devoid of snipers! Just avoid empty rural areas and woods, players can be encountered here every other minute

STEP 7: CONCLUSION

So, if you're too lazy to read all the way through this, here's a basic summary of what I said:

-Never eat food. It's bad voodoo.

-Hydrating yourself isn't important and serves no value.

-Disease is a blessing, you'll want to catch one ASAP.

-Good equipment is over rated and bare hands/crowbars are much better to use.

-Remember, seemingly empty rural areas are almost always a guaranteed death, but big cities such as Cherno/Elektro or military bases such as the NWAF are basically assured protection.

Questions?

Edited January 25, 2013 by Excision

[*Exile* Sami 188]

I guess ive been taught wrong, from now on i will follow your tutorial, it seems legit.

[The Stoned Wolf 491]

I guess ive been taught wrong, from now on i will follow your tutorial, it seems legit.

I know, all those other damn tutorials just teach how to die. This is the real man's guide right here!

[son54 78]

What a handsome fellow in your profile pic

[Feral (DayZ) 622]

i met a guy once who thought he was funny, he kept telling everyone he met how funny he was and people smiled and said 'sure' and exchanged concerned glances with each other while he began telling another one of his spectacularly unfunny stories......

Long story short he killed himself