A hillarious tale of Survival and revenge

[archamedes 238]

Here is a debrief written by my buddy explaining a night we had on Dayz Epoch. Its long, but its funny. If you don't at least raise a smile reading this, you are devoid of any sense of humor, so without furth ado, here is the story....

 

Roadtrip

Right from the opening, when we decided to take the spare chopper to the safe house we knew it was going to be perfect. The way you flew above me giving directions while I trundled along in that heavy-as-hell truck. Looking up at you off over the sea and occasionaly passing over me felt like we were really working together, but also ominously exposed. Like watching Dawn of the dead 1978 when they are moving the trucks. No dramas though - all worked out fine, with me parking up as you landed. Such a simple thing, but that felt like an achievement. All was set and we were going to go out for our usual scavenger hunt.

Then... things changed.

Incident 1.

When I heard the chopper I wasn't worried. I knew your neighbour had one, and the server had become like a little suburb now. Lots of bases, high end kit, etc. I was stood out on the platform (dressed as a priest), GPMG over my shoulder and smoking as fag watching it get closer. I saw him coming in slow, but decided to take out the binoculars (fag still in my mouth of course). You said "don't fire at him unless he fires at you" and I cast you a look that said "I'm not a retard you know", knowing that you were downstairs packing the safe and couldn't see it. As he got closer I took the ciggie out of my mouth, put down the binoculars and saw he was getting curious. Maybe it was my recent conversion to the Russian faith, but something felt 'off'. The way he went into a hover and turned his side to me just felt like I should switch on.

Fag back in my mouth, I took a step back into the doorway and hovered over the switch to SAW option. Then I saw the tracers coming. Fuck.

In an instant, I'm huddled behind the wall and the whole room and platform is filled with rounds. I've got the GPMG out, but I can't move because he's literally hosing down the place. EVERYTHING is getting hit except for one guy dressed as a priest cuddling a light machine gun with a slowly burning fag in his mouth. I hear him moving position and realise that I'm not "leaking like a fucked fridge" yet, so I decide to take the moment to go out and give him the good news.

Father Dogmeat leaps round the door, takes aim and pumps about 40 rounds up at him. I see him back off a bit and think "yeah, you fucker! Didn't expect that did you? Cunt! How'd you like - "

<sounds of gunfire>

Ok, NOW I'm leaking like a fucked fridge. The last thing I see is your concerned face coming up the ladder and hear the pathetic hiss of a cigarette extinguishing in the puddle that used to be my head. I see you slam the door shut and lock it and I can't help thinking "who's gonna give ME my last rites?".

I loved that he was mocking the base, saying "what is this Minecraft shit?". And Robyn, bless her (Dave's Wife)  - "can you go and help James?". Seriously? The only thing Dave can do now is get a hosepipe and wash me off his helipad before it rusts...

Incident 2.

So, "TomClancy" is off terrorising other players and causing a stir. Personally I think it's awesome, because people are now remembering that this is Day Z, not Sim City. Suck it up, princess - time to defend all those pretty buildings, cars, jeeps and toys. By now you've washed the remains of a priest outfit full of tomato soup and kibble off your deck and now you're on your way to pick me up. I've got a tin of beans, some sodas and I'm keeping a low profile. Yay! We're together again and off back to the safe house to pick up my stuff that you folded away neatly in a safe for me.

Then we see the chopper. Like a yellow barrel popping up in Jaws, it's an "Oh Shit" moment. And straight away, that motherfucker is on us. Now I wasn't as worried, but that's because I haven't spent weeks building up a base, scraping toether the funds and resources to get all of the gear you have. Also, you're in an armoured truck, but he's got a gun designed to take you out.

There we are, driving through a storm of bullets and I wish I had my priest outfit to truly give thanks for the wonders of Russian workmanship as the armoured hull stands up to what sounds like a large bucket of nails being thrown on a tin roof. I know you're intention was to say "armour holding... hull slightly damaged... wheels at 80%... engine taken a hit..." - but what you actually said (screamed) was "FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCK OOOOFF NO, NO, PISS OFF YOU CUNT FUUUUCK!!".

But while I'm calmly saying things like "5 o'clock high, coming in to left side, watch the hill" (Ok, so I'm actually screaming "DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!!") I notice how he moves. He's always flying to keep us on his left, then going into a hover before firing. I realise he's operating the chopper alone and switching seats. I test the theory by saying "wait..wait...". Then I see him go into a hover and I say "BREAK RIGHT NOW! GO GO GO!" and you swerve. And sure enough, we go through a quick spray, but it ends suddenly. The fucker can't keep us lined up.

Now you've got us to the factories and we're trying to find somewhere to hide the truck as it's starting to feel the damage. I keep screaming for you to let me out so I can open a door, but you know that to stop means we get wiped out. Then we hit the huge barn and realise the truck won't fit adn now he's hovering behind us - so I decide to go decoy and leap out. Now I'm running 10 meters to the barn and he's spraying the truck as a "fuck you". But that's when YOU realise that he thinks I'm the driver and you stop dead. And sure enough, he's ignoring the truck and he's now hunting round the barn trying to get an angle on me.

I realise it's like that scene in HalfLife, only instead of a power suit and weapons I have a machete and a tin of beans. I'm so fucked. Like, Palestinian throwing a rock at a tank fucked. But again, you're thinking ahead and you know that while he's watching me he's not watching you and you sneak out the truck, lock it and come into the hangar. We don't have the GPMG, but he's only looking for me - if I can distract him you MIGHT just pull off the sniper shot of the year.

So I run like a bald prisoner on a space prison being chased by a pissed off alien. Sadly, it's not enough and I'm splashed up the side of a wooden shack like a sock full of meat and sauce being thrown up a window. Shit! Still, when the cunt lands to loot the truck, you'll be there to fuck him up.

But he doesn't land... he flies away, leaving you in a barn with all your kit and the damaged remains of your truck and your wing man coating a cheap shed. Fuck!

Dave the Mechanic and James gets PTSD

James respawns - naturally I'm as far away as goddam possible, but hey. It's not like you're going anywhere. You're already planning how to fix the truck. While I'm scaping for tins of beans and fighting my way across the map, you're scavenging wheels, engine parts, scrap metal and somehow fixing the truck. I'm having a Rick Grimes adventure and every now and again I'll hear progress on how you're doing.

However, my journey was... not without incident.

My navigation was going fine, but I'm now being chased by about 5 runners and I have nothing but a machete and I can't find a single building to hide behind or lead them into. So as I run I have a moment of "fuck it" and slow to a jog...then a walk... than I turn around with the machete like I just realised I'd left the gas on and I'm pissed of about it. Robyn is saying "oh no, what are you doing? There's loads of them, they're going to catch you".

It's ok... I'm about to go Zatoichi on these guys. I am Rutger Fucking Hauer. I am Blind motherfucking Fury. I am motherfucking Conan the Barbarian. One of you cunts will have something useful on you, so I'm going to kill every last motherfucking one of you to get it.

<"...ok, I've found a windscreen, got it back to 100%...">

I'm getting bitch slapped and bitten, but I keep dropping these walkers and I seem to just find enough bandages and water as I go to stay alive. I didn't intend to survive, but I'm now knee deep in corpses shouting random things like "Form an orderly queue, I'm going to get you all eventually!" and hacking away.

<"...ooh, I found a wheel! I've got the truck back up. Just need to fix the engine...">

Another swarm coming, but I'm running TOWARDS them shouting "I'M RICK GRIMES, BITCH! I'M COMING FOR YOOOOUUU!" (Robyn finds this hillarious for some reason). They look a little startled as I plough into them, screaming "really? empty cans? That's all you got you fucks?!". I'm up to about 18 kills by now.

<"...I don't believe it...I've found a fucking engine! I can fix the whole thing...">

"WHY!  WON'T!   YOU!  DIE!?!" I scream as I hit the crawling zombie for the 8th time. Even Robyn is shouting "Really?! How is he not dead?". I realise I'm bleeding, but there's more of them coming and I don't have time to put on a bandage, so I run at them. My vision is washed out, but I can still move and swing the machete, so I'm going to take as many as I can

<"...YES! It's started. The truck is fixed. Just loading up my stuff...">

I'm hacking at a monkey style zombie with a blunt machete, screaming like Jake the Muss cutting down the tree that his daughter hung herself from. At this point I may actually be sobbing like him, too. Fragments of words can be heard between the sobs and screams, but they're mostly "YOU FUCKS!". There's another one, and I'm up to about 24 kills now, all in the open with a machete.

<"...James, I'm about 2 minutes out. Find somewhere to hide, I'll be right there...">

Hide? Fuck you. I need another bandage. One of those 5 zombies up the road are bound to have one. I'll go and ask them. I'll just wipe the blood off my teeth first. FUUUCK YOOOOOUU!!

Two minutes later, a heavy truck comes up the road and sees a lone survivor covered in blood with a zombie's T-Shirt wrapped round his leg, intestines round his head like a bandanna and about 10 bandages on, a blunt machete and the glassy stare of someone who knows he washed his jeans with the winning lottery ticket in the back pocket. The driver beeps the horn, but he takes his time to walk over.

"Any problems?"

Without a word, James gets into the back of the truck, places the machete on the dashboard, turns off the radio and whispers "cigarrette". The kill counter is at 35. It's easy to see because everything else is in black and white...

Is...Is that guy OK?

I didn't even see the human. I was too busy smiling at the sensation of morphine and hearing the wet thud of zombie killing repeat in my head to notice him running to us. Fortunately you did all the talking. Nick was like us. He had been killed by TomClancy and was walking through zombie territory to get to his kit again. We gave him a lift and we chatted about what had happened. I took a while to join in because I didn't know the key to talk, but I like to put it down to being sat in the passenger seat with PTSD. When we did talk it was cool though.

Loved going to the safe house together, watching the sky for that chopper, generally shooting the shit. Then you letting him into your base (while covering him with the rife). One wrong move and he'd have had the life expectancy of Morgan Freeman's pants. Shame he glitched out later on, would have been fun to keep him.

Incident 3.

Off to the trader finally. We're going to sell something or buy something. I don't know. I've picked up my GPMG and axe again, but part of me misses the machete. Then we see the chopper.

Seriously, this motherfucker is like Jaws. He's the terminator. He's fucking RELENTLESS. But maybe he hasn't seen us. We stay perfectly still, but the fucker changes course and we know it's on. Dave goes from "I fixed my truck for free!" to "NO YOU CUNT I JUST FIXED IT FUUUUUUCK!!" as the bullet rain starts. There's nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, so I keep watching the chopper for his tell-tale pause and hover and shout when to turn. Then we see the tree line.

I'm actually calmer now, saying "treeline... go right. Right. Right to the trees. That's left. Go Right. Right. Right". You're shouting "Fuck! I know!". Robyn hasn't taken her eyes off the screen and says "Dave what are you doing?!" and Dave looks at her and calmly says "panicking". Then he (finally) swerves right and loses the fucker in the trees. But he's still there, hovering around, searching for us.

But then in a moment of clarity, we hit the plan. You stop for a second and I jump out under the cover of trees and you drive on. He hasn't seen me get out. You drive down the track and he's shooting at you, but he's getting cocky. You can't shoot back. You helplessly loop around, but he can easily keep up with you and spray you at his leasuire. Only he doesn't know that I'm waiting on the side of the road with a GPMG.

I hide behind the tree as you roar past and I see him coming behind you T2 style. He has no idea I'm there as I step out and unleash half a box of GPMG fire at him, raking the fucker from nose to tail, sparks and smoke everywhere. Yeah, that scared the fucker. he thinks it's your rear gun come to life and he goes up HIGH to avoid it. I notice that he's having trouble now. But that Westworld terminator motherfucker is STILL looking for you. We can hear him, but we know he has to get back to base soon because there's a server restart. There's a few more passes and I fire a few more rounds at him, but eventually he's gone.

Now! Drive! Get us home! GO GO GO!!

Payoff

I didn't see it until you pointed it out. The burning wreckage over in a field as we drove home. The sign of a crashed helicopter. I also didn't see it before you pointed it out - but the lone survivor running through the nearby town being chased by 20 zombies. I wanted us to help this guy - but then you said "no, it's probably him" and turned the truck away from him. We drove on - both hoping it was TomClancy.

"What if it was another guy he shot down? Or a burnt out vehicle?"
"Fuck him. We can't risk the gear with the server shutting down in 10 minutes".

So I get on the group channel.

Dogmeat        Who's stuck in <town name>?
TomClancy     You didn't see anything ;)
Dogeat           Engine trouble?
TomClancy     Something like that
Dogmeat        You're welcome
<pause>
TomClancy   Nice shot.


And Dave, who survived the whole thing without dying once, who fixed his truck twice and kept his gear and bases smiled - because TomClancy has no idea he even exists. Oh, and Dave has his toys and didn't lose a helicopter today...



Seriously, dude. This was all ONE evening. Like... what the fuck? Different level of awesome. Glad I had a few more comments with TomClancy later, because I really thought he made it fun. Even if he pissed off a bunch of players, he didn't take their things or target inactive vehicles. He just made the threat REAL for a while.

And as always, we FRAPS'd nothing. Hence the long ass email.

Awesome shit, dude.