DEOVONTAY MCSLANGA

Let me tell you the tale, of a silly little girl who wasn't very bright... See, my group has a lot of guns. And a lot of cars. And we sometimes get bored of just shooting our guns into the air and driving our cars in circles. When that happens, I like to drive around the shoreline and pick up newbies and take them wherever they want to go. Today I was doing just that, and as I drove past Kamenka I heard a Makarov going off. Friend! I thought. So I drive right through town honking, yelling "Friendly? Friendly?!" A female survivor pokes her head out of a log cabin. She didn't have a mic, but made a nodding motion by looking up and down. I told her to drop her gun and get in the car if she wanted a ride, which she did. We drove for a ways while I asked things like her name (bobreposhed, so I guess I'll refer to it as a him from now on) and where he wanted to go. We stopped at a little gas station, and I asked Bob to get out and use the jerry cans in the back of the car to fill up the tank. I got out to kill some zombies, so at this point Bob definitely had a good look at me. Ghillie suit, AS50, M9SD. A dude you probably don't want to fuck with. Here's where Bob did something really stupid. He filled up the tank like a good little newbie, but then decided it would be cool to jump in the drivers seat and rev the engine. Bob died instantaneously. Because you see, guys with ghillie suits and really fucking big rifles don't appreciate it when you try to steal their trucks. And a guy doesn't just get that gear by being careless, you can bet your ass the entire time he was filling the tank I had my sights right on his forehead. So instead of getting a free ride to NWAF, or NEAF, or really any place he desired, Bob is dead. And I have to clean brains off my seat. tl;dr So newbies, here's the moral of this story. When someone genuinely tries to be nice to you, don't fucking try to fuck them. Especially when they have a rifle, and you have a flashlight. And specifically if DEOVONTAY MCSLANGA rolls up next to you in a white pickup truck, don't be a bitch. I'm just trying to make friends, but I'll kill your dumb ass if I have to. Edit: Added tl;dr for the tards who didn't read the last sentence and complained. These tards include, and are most definitely limited to, Frosty99

Hey there forums. I've been playing DayZ for a while, and I really like reading forum posts. Fun stories, urban legends, places where I can find a huge clan camp to raid. These things are fun. But there's some other forum posts I don't like to read. Like "Omg Hacker" threads. And "I'm looking to trade an AKM" threads. Oh and my favorite, "DayZ is so bad this is stupid I quit" threads. Or even "Remove .50 cal Snipers Durr They're Not Realistic". So here's my idea. How about we put a sticky up top for each of these. ONE Hacker Complaint thread. ONE Trading Things thread. ONE I'm An Attention Whore Throwing A Tantrum thread. ONE I Got Sniped and I'm Mad About It thread. Does anyone honestly enjoy reading any of these? Maybe the trade threads I guess, but hey imagine this. Instead of having to track down someone who is trading exactly the item you want by paging through the forums, wouldn't it be cool if you could just go to the sticky and check out recent posts? And you know what, for those of you who like these completely toxic and obnoxious threads a sticky would still make it easier for you to coalesce your ideas in a little corner. Where the rest of us don't need to be bothered by them. I have a dream. A dream of a day when I can log onto the forums of the DayZ of old. Where I can read about the bigfoot that lives in the wilderness and look at shady photoshops of his glowy eyes. A forum where I can read about a man's terrible story of betrayal and vengeance in Cherno. These are the things that make DayZ great. Can we stop making threads nitpicking the flaws with snipers or bitching about hackers for the millionth time and just go back to what makes this game fun to begin with? tl;dr Stop making threads of the following topics: "I'm mad about hackers and no one has ever made a thread exposing the evils of hackers so I'm going to do it to show the whole world that there's hackers in DayZ because HOW DOES NO ONE KNOW ABOUT THIS I MUST TELL THE WORLD" "Trading X for Y. Boy it's hard to find other people willing to trade. I SURE WISH I had my own sticky or forum for this." "I'm quitting DayZ, and as official mayor of this game everyone needs to know how mad I am and be sad that I'm quitting." "IN REAL LIFE AS50/M107..." or "I don't like fifty cal snipers so remove them please. Thermal too. And all the other guns. Except crowbars." And while I'm thinking of it, let's add another to this list... "Wtf I spawned on the beach and no one else made a thread about this SO I MUST TELL THE WORLD JUST LIKE I DID ABOUT THE HACKERS"

Who cares if he keeps the gun? If you kill a hacker you're allowed to take his shit as a trophy.

This is the correct way to make a "hurr durr dogs" post. I also find it fun that the only person who actually saw any kind of information on the dogs also had the sense to not post it as baseless speculation. Beans for not being part of the drooling masses sir.

Oh hey look, another thread filled with people talking about their opinions on something they have no knowledge whatsoever about. Fun shit. Guys, you literally have NO IDEA AT ALL how dogs will function. Not even a little bit. Stop trying to start "bawww dogs will break the game" and "omfg i love dogs awesome" discussions when you have nothing to base them on besides the fact that rocket said "hey dudes, there's gonna be dogs." Here's an idea, what if dogs are just forest animals like pigs and cows that you can gut for meat? That might be their sole function. You don't fucking know. So stop trying to discuss it until it actually comes out and we can get some REAL community feedback on their impact on the game.

As many of you probably know, ATVs have a tendency to flip on their sides. Once flipped they're fairly difficult to right, although it's possible to wriggle the wheels around and get it back upright. This isn't such a big problem because you can easily avoid it by just driving carefully. Oh shit, unless you find the ATV at Pobeda Dam. See, here's the thing. Some asshat decided that: 1. ATVs driving on bridges (or dams) randomly flip over. 2. ATVs are annoyingly hard to right once flipped over. 3. I could totally spawn the Pobeda Dam ATV 50 meters to the right, just next to the bridge. 4. HA HA FUCK THAT. Seriously, this is the third ATV I've found here. The first two flew into the sky, landed, and blew up while I was trying to drive them off the Dam. Now, I'm not going fast either. I'm inching the ATV off the dam as slowly as I possible can. Suddenly, my ATV is a god damn jet plane and I'm bombing the Russians before turning into a human fireball sacrifice to the boar gods. The third ATV is the only one to not murder me so far, but it rolled over THREE GOD DAMN TIMES trying to move it 10 feet onto real land. On the third time I ran out of gas and patience and just ragelogged. tl;dr Dear Guy-who-places-the-vehicle-spawns, There is clearly a problem with ATVs and bridges/dams. I cannot imagine that you're unaware of this. Ergo, you KNOWINGLY PLACED THE ATV SPAWN ON THE DAM JUST TO FUCK WITH PEOPLE. Why? I literally cannot think of a single reason to not just move the spawn off the dam. Unless you really like just showcasing how broken this game can be at times. PS, Tell Rocket to quit working on loading screens and start working on things like implementing a flip feature for flip prone vehicles (bikes, motorcycles, atvs). Or hey, at the very least stop spawning vehicles on top of trampolines.

Saying it depends on the admin implies they have a choice to set the rules for their server: they get to choose whether or not ghosting is an exploit or not. Whereas bottom line it is an exploit and anyone who does it is a piece of shit. Sadly, half the admins are equally large pieces of shit so there you have it.

Rocket has literally said it's an exploit. It doesn't depend on the admin; it is always a bannable offense. It just depends on whether the admins decide to do the right thing and ban them (given sufficient proof of course) or be shady dickholes like most of them are and just let it slide. Enough admins run clans that facilitate duping and hoarding and even lock their servers on a vehicle wipe to recover every vehicle on the map that I would imagine most of them don't give two shits about ghosters. To those that actually police it and ban for it, bravo.

Only helpful if you're playing on a nameplates server or you just happen to know who the person is. Most people who are familiar with this game avoid nameplates servers because nameplates allow you to easily see people through buildings and trees and are generally bullshit.

It's blatant misinformation being labelled as fact. Countless other idiots have been doing the same since the last patch because they're too stupid to check their DayZ version. It's simply justice to call an idiot an idiot and nothing more. Don't try to defend stupid people, they don't deserve your love.

It is legitimately an exploit and a bannable offense, but the dev team doesn't do bans. It's up to the server admins to police their own servers. Send proof to the admin and it will (should) be taken care of in a just (hopefully) manner. Most server admins cheat just as badly, if not worse by hoarding vehicles and shit, so good luck.

Idiot. The primary cause for you spawning on the beach is that you tried to use Six Launcher to update DayZ, which for the current patch doesn't actually update you. Thus, you think you're running 2.5 but you're really running 2.4. Logging into any server that has a different version causes you to spawn on the shore 100% of the time. Assuming you actually know what version you're running and you log into servers running the same version you will not spawn on the beach (except in rare cases that existed before this patch). Spawning on the beach is not some fix that rocket made up to reprimand ghosters.

This is not true. First, the most common cause is that you attempted to play on a 2.5 server when you're only updated to 2.4 or the opposite, you try to play on 2.4 when you're updated to 2.5. This has become a massive problem specifically with this patch because A. Six Launcher incorrectly updates. If you click on update it will simply leave you on 2.4. And B. There is a MASSIVE influx on new players to this game as a result of word of mouth. More total players = more people telling their friends about the game. Those friends then tell their friends about it, resulting in an exponential increase in players, particularly those that are brand new to the game. Second, there are various other causes that exist for the bug although they're incredibly rare and existed before this patch. Occasionally, for example, I will log in and immediately "die" before I'm even done loading. I close out the game, reopen it, and behold! I'm reborn on the shore with all my gear and stats from before. Again, other variations exist but they're very uncommon. I would bet cashmoney that you just didn't update correctly and tried to play on a wrong version server.

RGO grenades are legit in DayZ, they only spawn in military cars when they first spawn. 10 is a bit excessive though lol.

So a few nights ago me and a buddy are playin around on US 1343, gathering loot and making a new camp since our old server no longer exists. We spend most of the day doing that, and later that night my little brother gets on DayZ for the very first time. He logs in just fine, plays for about 30 minutes... and then gets perma-banned. Needless to say, we were kind of confused. Luckily the admin was online, so we chatted him up and he proclaimed that my brother was banned for scripting. After a few hours of negotiations he was unbanned, and we continued to play as usual. Here's the fun part: The entire time we were playing the admin would randomly call people out for scripting and ban them, claiming that Battleye had flagged them as hackers. He even called me out and immediately kicked me from the server when I crashed a tractor into a tree. "Battleye says you used a script to destroy a vehicle! Kicked!" This went on pretty much all night, with quite a few people getting banned from the server. Considering how apparently fucking trigger happy this admin was, I'm almost certain none of them were cheating. Now, I'm not saying he wasn't in fast getting reports that showed these people were scripting, but CLEARLY THOSE REPORTS ARE THROWING FALSE POSITIVES. Stop banning people with absolutely no proof. Here's the punch-line: Fast forward to last night. Myself, my friend, and my little brother are playing on US 1343 again. None of us really wanted to risk getting perma-banned by the "ERRYBODY'S A SCRIPTER" admin, but we also had a tractor, an ATV, and a sizable loot stash built up and didn't want to lose all that. For about 4 hours everything was cool. Then we saw a helicopter fly over head, shortly after which we all saw a blinding flash, followed by "WELCOME TO THE THUNDER DOME, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIVES" and were teleported to an arena with everyone on the server. No big surprise there, hackers be hackin'. We all instantly alt-f4ed out (don't judge, I think this circumstance justified it), and fearing more hacker divine retribution for all our murders and dayz-sins we logged for the night. I'm thinking, "well, good thing we talked to the admin about all those false positives and stuff! Getting hacked sucks, but at least we can still play on our favorite server!" But no. Fuck no. Perma-banned for some other kid being a dick. TL;DR 1. Is anyone else experiencing false positives/being banned from servers for doing nothing? This really needs to be fixed, but until then admins need to be aware of this and not just ban everyone who plays on their server. 99% of us aren't hackers. It's bad enough that we're getting hacked on your server, you don't need to follow it up with a giant kick to the balls and ban us too for doing nothing wrong. 2. That thunder dome shit was kind of funny, but hackers are still pricks. 3. Dear TrEuDaT: Bro, I thought we were cool. Don't play me like that bro. 4. Dear forum mods: Don't feed me that "without screenshots this is just trolling" bullshit. When I'm getting teleported into the god damn thunder dome I'm not thinking "well shit I should probably screenshot this!". I'm mashing alt-f4 and hoping that at most I get to keep my backpack.

Isn't it funny how realism and negativity coincide so frequently? Really though, look at the last hotfix. It was meant to fix the completely game breaking artifact errors, and it didn't. Zombies still alternate between being deaf and blind and being cyborgs that can detect you through buildings. Half the time when I log out I get teleported back to the shore. The list goes on. I would LOVE to like the idea of dogs, but I can't honestly say that I'm anything but afraid of the idea because of the ridiculous bugs I'm sure it will introduce. Even worse, what if you can set your dog to attack an enemy player? How often is the dog going to get confused and attack my buddies I'm playing with? How often am I going to be sitting in a house minding my own business when a dog busts through the wall like the kool-aid man and shouts "OH YEAH!" before eating my face? Because if any of those things happens just once it will have ruined the fun of the idea for me.

Did you move the coffee yet? I need pics so I know you're safe from hand burns.

In any case it's a spill hazard. You're going to spill that coffee all over your filthy keyboard and burn your hands. I'm just trying to look out for you damnit.

Really though, you need to move that cup of coffee. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, MOVE THE COFFEE NOW SIR.

Yeah but they would just end up getting knocked on their sides and you wouldn't be able to ride them any more. It would just be frustrating. Also bandits could track you by the horse-shits.

Why is the coffee positioned so as to be between you and your monitor? Unless that's a really short cup of coffee it's totally blocking part of your screen. There could be a zombie there and you would never know. You should move it.

Also this is how I run over long distances:

Is that a bottle of ketchup? Why is there a bottle of ketchup?

I got yo back bro. Just sad to see so many turds respond to this who clearly haven't tested what they're saying. Forreal guys, if you don't know don't post.

I like the way you think, but it definitely still happens within the same server. Anything to fuck with alt-f4/ghost/server hoppers though, I'll gladly walk from the beach to my camp to retrieve a vehicle a couple times a day if it means I don't have to literally PLAN on someone ghosting me when I'm sniping.