LeeHarveyEnfield

'ON YER KNEES SON!!!' commanded Beansy, the kid obliged. 'There's a good boy' Beansy continued with an evil grin, 'now open that purty little mouth nice an' wiiiiiide, that's it, now... say HELLOOOOOOOO!!!' Our pre-pubescent captive could never have known just where his ill fated ambush attempt was going to lead him, if he had even the slightest inkling about the dark and depraved road his actions would eventually lead him down he surely would have kept his high pitched squeak of a voice and his mosin quiet. We found him 20 minutes earlier, we'd heard some shots in Berezino and like moths to a flame ran to investigate and there he was, crouched over an unconscious fresh spawn screeching insults at his helpless victim 'You dumb bitch! You f*cking dumbass noob bitch....' etc etc, I am sure you get the gist, as we watched and listened from behind a wall the squeaking continued until, with a final outburst of childish hate filled vitriol (which included multiple references to the victims mothers unusual sexual preferences) he ended his victims ordeal with a double tap to the face. 'I like him' chuckled Beansy 'reminds me of me when I was a little un' the child finished looting the body then withdrew to the building from where no doubt he had first emerged, like a trapdoor spider lurking in his stairwell behind a closed door listening for the sound of footsteps before springing an ambush. 'I'll bait him you waste him' suggested Beansy And so it went, Beansy trotted past the door making as much noise as possible, the little scrote opened the door and appeared, gun raised and I smashed a couple of 5.56's into his chest and down he went like the proverbial sack of excrement. Cue Beansy... - 'You nasty little sh*t, eh? you dirty sneaky little toe rag you, eh? How ya feelin now ya sackless tart? does yer momma know yer out this late? or is she still out servicing truckers for a fiver a pop?' Seeing he was still alive I instantly applied a bandage then proceeded to strip his lifeless form of any weaponry, Beansy sharp as a razor saw what was afoot and applied some handcuffs, we waited in silence for him to regain consciousness. Beansy checked his pulse and discovered his name was 'SykoBoB' 'When yer wake up Bob yer gonna come with us, no talking, no raising yer fists, any monkey business an we'll end yer on the spot, do you understand son?' 'yes' it squeaked, 'Good' said Beansy, then added 'Not a f*ckin word out of you son!' no sooner had Bob regained consciousness than we were off towards the trees, me up front, Bob in the middle and Beansy bringing up the rear. and it was in the woods where we imposed our will upon the wretched child, we force fed him a rotten kiwi and laughed as he vomited, we punched him a few times and he raised his fists and fought back, he landed a couple of good uns on me and I feared I would go down, unfortunately for Bob the only person going down today was him and that brings us back to where our tale began... A child on his knees, Beansy standing above him barking instructions as he guided the barrel of his shotgun towards an opened mouth '... say HELLOOOOOOOO!!!' 'helloooo' he squeaked as a single shot echoed around the forest and Bob was no more.

'He sounds awfully upset Beansy' I say, 'Look at him laying there in the gutter like the trash that he is.' 'Yep, he's a right proper grumpy guts' chuckles Beansy. The fool is droning away in the unmistakable nasal whine of the born loser, something about kill on sighters ruining dayz and how we should all 'fu*k off back to COD' 'Keep on crying loser' beansy sniggers 'you never know, we might take pity on yer.' Beansy bends over the wretch and starts punching his face until he adopts the unconscious position, this buys us a well deserved moments silence. It all began an hour or so before in Svet, Beansy and I were camping by the train tracks waiting for a suitably well geared halfwit to kill and rob, Beansy had recently died and understandably, we couldn't be bothered to loot him back to full gear status, why anyone would waste time and energy searching for gear is beyond our comprehension when, with a little time and patience, all the gear you could ever need will eventually come to you. We were just considering switching to another server when our 'friend' arrived, Mosin on his back, axe in his hands and a lovely hand crafted burlap back pack, we just knew this guy was kitted for survival. 'OK Beansy, go get him' I urged, 'Righto' came the chirpy reply and off he skipped. We always play this the same way, the least geared of us approaches the target and attempts to engage him in a 'friendly' conversation, the way things play out depends on our target, if they seem pliable and docile we lure them away with promises of adventure and murder him in the woods or, if he seems a little high spirited and aggressive the one of us in hiding fills him with lead while he tries to kill the other. I was crouched behind one of the wagons shamelessly exploiting 3rd person to keep an eye on events and I watched as Beansy ran out and raised his hands 'hey man, are you friendly?' he asked, our dupe stopped and turned around, 'Hello there' he said in a kind voice, 'do you need anything?' Beansy is outstanding at playing the dumb noob and on this occasion he truly outdid even his own high standards. 'I am looking for the airport mate, I got attacked by zombies and I have low blood.' No mark - 'do you need some food?' Beansy - 'oh yes please if you have some to spare' No mark - 'do you know what blood type you are?' Beansy - 'no, how do I find out?' No mark - 'I have a testing kit, lets get out of the open and we'll see if we can fix you up' Beansy - 'cheers dude, I was scared you would kill me haha' No mark - 'Not me mate, I am friendly unless attacked' As they were conducting this little interaction I was replacing my mag with a full one and had left the wagon, I was prone crawling along the tracks to get a little closer. Beansy was laughing in teamspeak 'he's a right mug, this is too easy'. 'He ain't dead yet' I cautioned, stay focused and tell him to follow you to the station. Beansy - 'Lets go into the station' No mark - 'sure, be careful there is a zombie round the back' Beansy - 'oh, ok, cheers' As they crossed the tracks I slipped into 1st person and trained my trusty AKM under the carriage and onto our blissfully oblivious target, held my breath and squeezed the trigger, a short burst smashed into his legs and down he went, not dead but ultimately out of the game, Beansy being Beansy was now beside himself with glee and was already mocking our prey. I jogged up behind him and instructed him to 'stay still and all will be fine' but the way Beansy was laughing and skipping around excitedly while shouting some of his most imaginative and soul destroying insults I think he realised his game was coming to an end. And that brings us back to where our story began, a cretin laying in his own blood, anger and shock and surprise no doubt being felt acutely by the human being who was staring at a monitor somewhere, who cares where, helpless as he stares blankly at a blackened screen and listens to the joyous celebrations and merciless ridicule as expressed by his vanquishers. Eventually Beansy ended it, he took a .45 from the unconscious no marks holster and, after calling him a few choice names, double tapped his empty skull. Moments later a similarly named player left the server, his signature, just like his characters life, had simply timed out.

beansy found her wandering around elektro, clearly in a state of confusion and in need of some assistance, we were huddled inside the stairwell of cherno firehouse as she bled all over the walls. 'Take off yer t shirt' he advised after she weakly proclaimed to have no bandages 'pardon? I cant do zat' she said kinda flirtatiously and with a giggle 'Just take it off and drop it into your inventory rip it up and use as a bandage you dopey cow!' not like beansy to be so curt, especially as this is the first actual female human playing as a female we have ever met in the game. she did as she was told and dressed the wounds while beansy and I discussed our next move in teamspeak. 'Shes a girl' noted beany 'indeed she is, but lets not allow that minor detail to get in the way of our fun' I reasoned 'She's french' said beany 'I know but we cant discriminate on the basis of nationality' I hastily replied 'She's f*cking stupid' he added 'I know but we cant discriminate on the basis of mental agility either, remember we despise all noobs equally and without prejudice' 'ok I finish ze bandage' piped up the dumb frog wench 'so what we do now?' that's when beansy punched her to the ground and kept on punching her while screaming 'FOR AGINCOURT!!!' over and over again until she died and left the server. 'Au revoir' said beansy with a chuckle

Day 1 - Kabanino Found myself a right plum spot, you may know it. The green house at the top of Kabanino in the upstairs room. I have all I need for a few hours happy camping. A backpack full of opened tins and fresh water, a Mosin with 67 rounds, bandages, a firemans axe for dispatching zombies and of course the obligatory clown mask, it is this mask that the hapless survivors focus on when they walk through the door and see me, crouched in the corner with my fully loaded mosin pointed at their stupefied face, the clown mask tells them more than I ever could...this is the end of your game me old fruit. I can see down the road past the farm and out across the fields to the south from the small window, from the large window I can see the green house on the outside of the village where those hoping to bypass Starry will arrive first, it is from this direction that my first victim approaches, no doubt feeling pretty secure as he notices all the doors on all the houses are closed. I watch as he switches from M4 to pickaxe. I slip into first person and raise my trusty mosin. First the sound of Aggro as my own personal idiot alert system lets me know he is looting the cow sheds, I risk a sneaky peek in 3rd person and see him immerge from the closest barn, he is swiping away at 2 zombies and failing miserably to make contact, he is bleeding and I can't help but snigger at this ridiculous performance, it is clear he has absolutely no hand to eye coordination whatsoever. I can only hope he manages to sort this out, we can't have the worst zombies in gaming history stealing my booty now can we. He disappears behind the wall and a few moments later I hear automatic gunfire, in a state of blind panic he has switched to his M4 and 12 - 14 shots later he appears at the roadside where he kneels to apply a bandage, no doubt feeling pretty pleased with himself for managing the situation so professionally. He switches back to the pick axe and crouch leans his way pathetically across the road towards my house so I turn my attention to the door. Footsteps on the staircase, can there be a sweeter sound to the camper than the footsteps of an clueless imbecile with a full loadout as he walks up towards his own inevitable demise? I think not. I lean to the right, my angles all worked out hours ago and open my mic as the door swing outwards and there he is in all his inept glory, he jogs into the room and then freezes, no doubt trying to process the information in his stunted mind 'uh? dere's a clown wiv a gun wots pointin at my face? wot do I do now?' while his treacle thick brain tries to calculate the meaning of this latest development I have lined up the iron sights on his disbelieving mug. 'Thanks for the gear Fucko' I say as I squeeze the trigger swiftly putting an end to his pointless existence. 'but I woz friendly' said the corpse sounding pleasingly devastated. I laughed the word 'halfwit' as I rifled through his gear. It was then that he left the server no doubt feeling as emasculated and deflated as I was feeling victorious and elated.

you see I love the clown mask because people like you hate it, I know how everyone feels when they see one and that is all part of the overall experience I'm trying to bring to imbeciles players all over chernarus.

we have stumbled across several lady boys like yourself, we did assault one in the school building, although the deep voice just wrecked our immersion we persevered and both managed to get our characters knobs polished. But since then we don't commit to anything sexual until we are both pretty sure we are dealing with an actual female, preferably a scared one. Lady boys just get battered to death.

me and Beansy have met 3 female gamers in standalone, we have simulated serious sexual assaults in each case, make no mistake, if an apocalyptic event took place then lone females with average or better looks and physique would find themselves being taken, with or without their consent on a regular basis. 2 girls we found were resistant and made life a little difficult although we did on both occasions manage to corner them and do our thing without any problems, although one was unconscious, she was still breathing so it counts. but the French girl we met in elektro actually played along and faked an orgasm for us, although she refused to 'gulp' into direct after I pretended to tickile her tonsils with my pork sword, frigid mare.

ideally dayz standalone full release version, when it arrives sometime no doubt in 2015/16 will contain the following... 1 - Persistent storage/stashes for player loot and gear and player bases/camps 2 - 1000's of zombies per server including roaming hordes. 3 - animals, lots for hunting and eating. 4 - More loot in more places including the car wrecks and every enterable building type, lots and lots more than we see now to prevent the need for server refresh restarts every 4 hours and whole maps getting cleared out. 5 - vehicles and vehicle parts. 6 - 60+ players per server 7 - Other added mechanics/items/features which currently haven't even been concieved 8 - Game performance optimized giving at least 40+ FPS in cities for players with average P.C.'s on medium settings I can't wait, I hope they manage to deliver all of the above and perhaps more. The elephant in the room for me is optimization and performance, how will they manage to squeeze that kind of improvement out of the engine while adding all these features and sheer volume of items which will put massively increased strains upon servers and players P.C.'s, all of which are currently struggling to cope with no where near the levels of burden the above list implies should be coming in the future? Can they deliver? or will they have to compromise, if so where will they compromise? Will we ever see player stashes? Will we ever see good performance for average P.C.'s? Is 60 + players per server just not gonna happen? Will zombie numbers ever reach the levels we all dream about? Will we see massive hordes? Are servers doomed to restart every 4 hours for ever? Because surely miracles just don't happen and there must be a limit to what is possible. Discuss...

on the mod some hardcore servers had a special night setting that no amount of gamma sliding could overcome. Nights were pitch black and without flares or flashlights you were fucked. The devs should look at how that was done, in the mean time remove the gamma slider to prevent the everpresent tossers from exploiting it and destroying the whole experience for us genuine gamers who seek to enjoy Rockets vision as it was intended. If you gamma exploit you are not worthy of playing this game and you are dragging it down into the filthy shit smeared gutter with you.

gamma exploiters do indeed stain night time play for the rest of us with their cowardly ways and the ability to light up the night needs to be fixed, I still play nights and I still use a torch. If I die because another guy exploits then so be it, I refuse to allow gutless wankers to impinge upon my enjoyment of the pure night time dayz experience.

Christ almighty there are times when I wonder why many members of this community ever bought the game. Night time is dark because of the simple fact that the sun has slipped below the horizon and is aiming her rays at the other side of the planet, this game does night superbly well and the atmosphere of a busy server during darkness is second to none. Get your torch out and enjoy yourself you pathetic excuse for a gamer.

unlike any beginners unfortunate or naive enough to follow your guidance

as I suspected, a half man.

the clock sir.... it ticks.

the OP certainly seems to be an utter expert in spouting horse shit. I see you sir and I see through you. Name the server, a time and a location and I shall expose you to such a thrashing, I shall expose for all to see the pitiful state of what lies behind that fragile ego you seem to take such pride in displaying, blissfully ignorant it seems of just how ridiculous you are beginning to look. Let us meet in combat sir and I shall delight in stripping you of what little dignity still clings awkwardly to you and shall display the act of utter emasculation and cruel domination here, in this very thread, through the medium of video for all to see.

'what we need to do...' said Beansy 'is fill our backpacks with rotten fruit an force feed it to randoms' 'now that sounds like fun' I replied after a somewhat tedious 4 hours server hopping the cherno school we had over 30 rotten fruits and all the handcuffs, bullets and other bits we'd need, and then we headed off to the beach in search of victims. The first one we came across had an axe and was black, I fired a shot into the air while beansy approached him with his bat out 'Do as we say and everything will be fine' I lied 'I aint got nuffink' said the half wit, perhaps hoping this would be enough to make us abandon our plans. 'don't worry, we aren't going to rob you or kill you, we just need you to help us with something, now drop the axe and crouch, face the ocean and please keep quiet' He submitted to our will immediately, pathetic dullard that he was, Christ, dominating these idiots is so depressingly easy at times. Beansy applied the cuffs while I ambled towards the back of our subject, gun trained on his empty skull. 'ok beansy' I said 'feed the fucker!' Beansy proceeded to force feed him rotten kiwis, 3 in total. 'will that be enough to kill him?' I enquired 'dunno' beansy answered 'but this is boring' he added 'I agree' and with that I fired a single round into our captives vacuous dome and he slumped satisfyingly to the ground. 'Ditch the fruit' i instructed beansy 'let's go to balota' 'hehe, right you are boss' giggled beansy with his trademark cheeky smile.

Today we murdered 36 survivors, here is the story of the first of those bumbling unfortunates to venture into our block. Over the past week Beansy and I had amassed all we needed for a few days holding out in the apartment building. Food, water, first aid kits, blood, enough meds to put the entire population of an old folks home out of their misery, guns and bullets, lots and lots and lots of beautiful bullets. We made ourselves at home in the penthouse suite, laid everything out all organised like and then we went prone on the rooftop in 3rd person and waited... And waited... 4 hours and not a dicky bird, we were beginning to wonder if our master plan was as foolish as those we hoped to murder on the stairwells but good old DayZ never let's us down, just when you think about giving up it delivers, and by jove did it deliver. Four numbskulls were headed up the road, they spent about 15 minutes looting the building opposite then turned their attention to our manor, we took up our positions. The great thing about the top floor is by the time your average pea brained survivors have reached it all thoughts of stealth and cunning have long since been abandoned and squads are the best. instead of working together they compete against each other in a kind of selfish mad dash to secure the best loot, me and Beansy however are sitting quietly and patiently utterly focused on one thing and one thing only, doing murders. Beansy has the stairs covered and I watch the ladder and the lucky fucker gets 3 kills in as many seconds. 'HA HA They just kept walking into me line o' fire lee, like headless chickens with axes out' remarked Beansy. Still one alive so I look down the shaft and there he is, #4 now frozen between floors having no doubt heard in teamspeak all about his friends sudden demise, hanging there on the ladder as if in the act of staying perfectly still he would find the answer to all of his prayers, the fool was wrong. 'If you don't want to suffer the same fate as your idiotic friends I strongly suggest you DON'T F*CKING MOVE!' I shout down to the imbecile. Of course, like the f*ckwit he clearly is he moves down the ladder. *BANG BANG BANG* shouts my M4 and then his descent gathers pace thanks in no small part to the law of gravity.

'jesus Lee there's four f*cking satchel charges in the UAZ' exclaimed Beansy 'Yeah I know' I replied pretending not to be as excited as he was 'Why didn't you say owt?' he enquired 'slipped my mind' I lied, in truth I was planning to hide them and bring them out later and surprise him but forgot to put them in my backpack. 'We can do some serious damage with these babies' chuckled the now ebullient Beansy 'Oh yeah, indeed we can' I agreed 'and I know just how we're going to do just that Beansy' So the plan was formed. Beansy had joined the server admins in their teamspeak posing as a noob looking for a community, they were very pleasant and told him to feel free and hop on anytime, Beansy was outstanding as a clueless noob and they took an instant shine to him, if only they knew what a cold hearted calculating bastard he really is and that I was sat only 3 feet away from him putting the finishing touches on our ambush plan. The next day Beansy went into their channel and exclaimed excitedly 'I found a jeep but I don't know if its sniper bait like what I saw in frankies video' they advised him to stay out of sight and keep an eye on it, they would come over and check the coast was clear and if needs be help him fix the jeep up, 'OK, i'll just keep a watch on it' said beansy as he threw me a knowing wink, he then gave them coordinates. I was several hundred metres away ghillied up and watching through rangefinders when I heard the heli fly overhead, they hovered above the UAZ for about 2 minutes all the while explaining to beansy what was going to happen, while he in turn, mic muted explained to me. eventually one of them parachuted down and ran over to the UAZ, he relayed the info that it was drivable then the heli descended. Beansy was already giggling, I scrolled the mouse wheel to 'detonate bombs(4)' and held my breath as the heli touched down a few metres away from the vehicle, right in the middle of our little boom ring. I left clicked and the charges simultaneously exploded, all 5 admins died instantly and within seconds the vehicles began to burn and secondary explosions rang out. Beansy, by now beside himself with joy screamed into teamspeak 'HAHA BURN YOU BITCHES' He then unplugged his mic and we both sat back as the speakers erupted with a symphonic tirade of pure butthurt and pain and rage and fury that was truly sublime and as we sipped our coffee and leant back in our chairs we high 5'd each other, laughing at the futile insults that continued to flow. Satisfied and happy with a job well done we left the server.

on his knees hands behind his head our captive stares into the darkness in silence 'why did you shoot at an unarmed player?' I asked calmly 'I weren't shooting at you mate' came the reply 'Oh dear' I say sadly, 'Beansy' Beansy punches the survivor in the head 'OK, lets try that again shall we, I want you to think long and hard about this question before you respond, please speak truthfully, it will make this whole process a lot easier for you.' I cleared my throat and took a swig of water. 'why did you shoot at an unarmed player?' 'I fucking told you, I was shooting at zombies' I sighed again, 'Beansy' another sweet punch was delivered. 'You really are making this extremely difficult, I am going to ask you again, for the last time, if you continue to insult my intelligence my colleague here is going to smash you with the baseball bat until every bone In your body is broken and then I am going to fire a single bullet from this rifle into your face, now tell me, why did you shoot at an unarmed player?' 'I was trying to kill that zombie mate, your mate ran behind at the same time' *sigh* 'Beansy' Beansy repeatedly swung the bat at the idiots head and body and he fell to the ground unconscious. 'I don't know if you can hear me but I just wanted you to know it saddens me deeply that your rank stupidity has forced us down this dark cul de sac.' I reload and stare down through the iron sights at the pitiful motionless and bloody mess all crumpled on the ground, I gently squeeze the trigger as the end of the barrel hovers inches from his left cheek 'Lights out' are the last words he hears

The waves crashed in behind me, the darkness made it difficult to make out where I was but after a bit of fiddling around I managed to get the battery into my torch and was able to shed a little light on my situation. Elektro, it looked a lot different to how I remembered it, i moved stealthily along the coast line keeping my eyes peeled for the signs of human activity, then i saw what i was looking for, another torch on the beach. I ran headlong towards it my torch strafing the ground as i approached the fresh spawn 'hey man' he said 'What the f*ck are you looking at?' i asked aggressively as i dropped my torch onto the sand beneath my feet, 'say what dude?' came the confused response, i raised my fists and moved closer, he backed away and pointed the torch right at me, it's good to know he saw clearly what came next. 'I'm gonna kick your arse' i taunted, 'hey dude, what the f*ck man' he sounded upset But I wasn't listening as i rained blows down on his head and neck, he moved around and managed to evade a few but i made enough connections and eventually he went down like a sack of proverbial sh*t, unconscious and as lifeless as freshly laid turd while the waves lapped against him. i was breathing heavily now, i bent over him and this time every punch thrown found it's mark, i battered the man to death with my clenched fists and it felt better than any kill in any game I've ever played. 'At last' i thought to myself, 'a fair way to kill fresh spawns' 2 minutes into my first game and my kill count is rising.

...'sure we can give you blood, jump onto our teamspeak' I said to the side chat twat named Darryl, I then typed our TS address and Beansy signalled to me across the room that he was off to make us some coffee. I dragged Darryl up to our channel and did a rather convincing impersonation of a nice guy, we arranged to meet north of polana where we'd administer the blood he needed, in exchange he was going to give us a mk48 mod and 2 mags plus a tent. He explained how he'd had some trouble with zombies while trying to refuel his UAZ, he'd had no luck finding a hunting knife so we were 'real life savers' and we'd 'really got him out of the shit', I half listened to his inane ramblings preferring to focus on reading the rage/hate replies to my previous tales posted on this forum, like Darryl they were boring and pointess and frankly a complete waste of time only, unlike Darryl they held no potential whatsoever for any real satisfying enjoyment. *BURP* - beansy was back 'Darryl meet Beansy, Beansy meet Darryl, we're meeting near Polana Beansy, Darryl has a mk48 mod for you' 'Sweeeeet' said Beansy, again he giggled, I gestured to him to try and contain himself, we didn't want to spook the little fool, 'sorry' he mouthed back, then we both giggled. 20 minutes later we heard the sound of the UAZ coming from the south west then emerging from the trees amid a cloud of dust. 'I can see you' I said, 'a little to the left mate' he veered to the right, what a nob 'LEFT!' I repeated impatiently 'oops' said Darryl, 'sorry' Beansy burped again. He pulled up next to us and jumped out, Beansy didn't waste any time 'So long sucker' he shrieked and unloaded his AK74 into the stunned and disbelieving Darryls face and chest. cue rage and butthurt Darryl - 'Jesus, what the hell...why did you do that?' Beansy - 'because we can' *giggle burp* me - 'you are as thick as pig shit you deserve everything you get, you are the absolute definition of one of lifes great losers now kindly get the fuck out of our teamspeak' I then kicked and banned him while beansy looted his corpse and loaded up the UAZ The drive to Starry was made all the more enjoyable by the incessant name calling and QQing Darryl was typing into side chat we were called, among other things, 'bastards', 'liars', 'thieves', 'dicks', 'douches', 'cowards', 'idiots' and my personal favourite 'fucking dirty two faced c*nts' We couldn't reply even if we'd wanted to as we were laughing so hard we actually had to stop playing. we pulled into the woods and Beansy literally had tears streaming down his cheeks and I thought I was going to burst my sides, laughing like that is the best thing about dayz.. After half the server verbally raped him for being such a stupid noob Darryl, utterly deflated and emasculated, finally did the decent thing and logged.

As much as I appreciate the words that have been offered up by some of you in my support I must express the following. Thank you but really, it isn't necessary bullying is something that requires a victim who feels persecuted or harassed in some way and I simply do not. there is nothing the handful of vocal haters have said that has so much as ruffled a single hair on my head. my secret is I simply do not care what they think or say, their words have no value to me and therefore no power to hurt me, they only hurt themselves by exposing for all to see just how unhappy and bitter they are. I like that some people feel so enraged by my stories just as I feel delighted that some people seem to enjoy them, any reaction is better than no reaction and every reaction spurs me on to continue writing about my adventures with Beansy. I had one story recently graveyarded for being 'Obscene' despite the fact that there was a distinct lack of anything that a right thinking person would call truly obscene, I left the details out and any filthy depraved thoughts that may have come from reading it emanated only from the mind of the reader, I think it says more about you guys than it says about me. Anyway I shall return with another tale soon so keep on keeping on. LHE

here comes one look at him, running along the coastal road pistol out 3 zeds in tow, no doubt the beach boys 'California dreaming' is playing at full volume inside his empty head. 'He's only got a pistol Lee' says Beansy 'yeah, but look at the state of him' I reply, my voice dripping with contempt 'yeah, hehe, you're right, let's waste the fucker' laughs beansy we get to our feet and run down the slope towards him, as he sees us he stops, crouches then stands then crouches then crouch runs away back towards kamenka, then he stands up again and goes into full sprint, pathetic, really pathetic. 'OI, NOBHEAD' shouts Beansy, I chuckle and let a few rounds fly, I'm aiming at his legs and down he goes. He lays still. unconscious, 'you grab him Beansy, i'll get the zeds' I suggest. Beansy grabs him while I get the zeds. Beansy is dragging the now conscious idiot along the sandy beach, the fool is calling out in direct chat something about bandages and blood but I cant be sure because my AKM is too loud, I'm taking pot-shots but deliberately missing (only just) while Beany laughs in direct and asks me to be fucking careful. I stop shooting and Beansy waits for me to catch up, still maintaining his grip on the hapless no-mark. I switch to hatchet and lean over into our captives face, he's talking again so I literally scream into direct 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' He falls silent, I apply a bandage and give him a blood bag. 'Sorry about that mate, we thought you were someone else', if we let you go will you be a good little boy and drop your pistol?' I ask gently with kind concern 'Yes, I promise' he responds, full of hope 'Well.... I'm afraid to say ...I...DONT...FUCKING...BELIEVE...YOU!!!' each shouted word accompanied by an axe strike and I kept on smashing my axe into his skull until he breathed his last. and all the while Beansy laughed coldly, uncaringly, mockingly in direct chat. Seconds later our victim leaves the server.

'I SAW IT FIRST SO IT'S MINE WHICH MEANS YOU STOLE IT!!!' oh dear, his nasal whine alerted me to his pre-pubescent state, a child. We were in the back of the elektro supermarket, both fresh spawns. I grabbed the Winchester and he threw his little tantrum. A shot fired into the floor next to his feet certainly helped him regain control of his emotions, he fell silent. I headed to the hospital and he followed like an obedient puppy, I spoke for the first time 'fuck off', he stopped, looked around then said 'wanna team up?' another shot this time into the air persuaded him to try going it alone and off he scampered towards the church looking quite forlorn. I looked at the hospital, thought about breaking the glass but after scanning back down the street and seeing the child disappear around the corner temptation got the better of me. By the time I had come around behind the church he was in the firehouse tower, he'd found an AK and was checking the top floor while 2 zeds ambled up the second flight of stairs. 'He'll have to use the ladder bug' I thought to myself, so I sprinted across the road and waited outside the perimeter fence, gun trained on the ladder. It wasn't long before he appeared, gun over his shoulder he began to climb down. I waited till he hit the concrete then asked 'still wanna team up?' excitedly he said 'yes, we can go to starry....' I interrupted 'I ain't no child minder kid' 'POP POP POP' went the Winchester. and then the child was dead.

I'm going to stop killing players. I'm going to shoot them then bandage and restrain them and while they are unconscious I'm going to shit my faeces onto their faces and tell them in direct chat just how much I despise them for allowing this to happen to them. If the option exists I'm going to wipe my arsehole clean on their hair.